Wednesday 20 March 2013

Is Childfree The Way To Be? Article in the TOI by Sharmila Ganesan

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/mumbai/Is-childfree-the-way-to-be/articleshow/19081221.cms

Bad news in this country could refer to a variety of things but 'good news' usually carries just one meaning. Sooner or later, this euphemism for pregnancy sneaks into the lives of every married couple as a question posed by one and all. To be able to answer them in the affirmative, some women fast, go around trees, visit astrologers and plead with doctors. Then, there are women like Anu Santosh.

"We have no desire to become parents as we are very compatible and complete on our own," says Santosh, a 36-year-old entrepreneur from Powai, about her decision to remain child-free after six years of marriage. She dismisses the age-old spiel that a woman is "complete" only after she bears children as the invention of very satisfied mothers. Santosh is also part of Childfree By Choice India, where child-free couples from all over the country have been sharing views in India.

This slowly swelling breed of women who've decided to remain child-free are not just the stereotypical feminists, says Delhi's Amrita Nandy. A doctoral candidate from JNU, she recently spoke to several non-mothers across the country, few of whom were from Mumbai, for her research on 'Motherhood and Choice'. "These are chiefly very successful women who take their identities and purposes of life very seriously," says Nandy whose sample included well-placed bankers, writers, media professionals, lawyers and environmentalists who felt that bringing in a child would add to carbon footprint.

Their reasons could range from the financial shackles of home loans to the desire to travel. Fifty-four-year-old Jyoti, a PR professional born and raised in Mumbai, was so resolute in her decision to be child-free that she went under the knife in her late thirties to negate the possibility. As the eldest of four girls, Shetty, who currently stays in Pune, says she had seen the repercussions of being part of a large family. "The oldest gets ignored and the priorities change and parents have no time to give attention to all," says Jyoti. In the current scenario of inflation, Jyoti feels this is a wise choice to make.

Freedom is the most cherished consequence of their decision. "I can never in my worst nightmare imagine being disturbed with mommy stuff when I'm reading, napping, talking to a friend or having a conversation with my spouse," says Ritu Khabia, a homemaker married to an air force officer. "I mean imagine spending your whole life-energy caring for brats who won't have time for you later when they get engrossed with their own life."

The society, though, does not fail to remind them of the pitfalls. One of Ritu Khabia's friends told her that her marriage wouldn't work in the long run in the absence of children. Another woman almost bullied Khabia into producing children by saying, "if your marriage is strong, you will have children". When Jyoti had approached a gynaecologist to have her "knots tied", the doctor chastised her: "You will regret it as kids are an old age crutch."

Some reactions come in the form of silent judgements. Anu Santosh, who recalls a colleague remarking that women who don't want kids were "off their rockers". Even her family is convinced Santosh and her husband will change their mind eventually. "If we do, I am pretty sure we will adopt and not have our own.Would it then be fair for me to call mothers with biological children selfish for not caring for the helpless?" asks Santosh, adding that she knows that a lot of mothers would find this accusation absurd. "Perhaps then they can learn to mind their business."

10 comments:

  1. Good article Anu- Congratulations!

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  2. I guess the credit goes to Sharmila for tackling such an important topic and for Amrita Nandy for directing her to us. So thanks to both Sharmila,Amrita (also TOI).

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  3. I so completely identify with those who choose not to have a child and don't ever regret it. I decided for various reasons (including a strong disinclination to be so helplessly emotionally bound for the rest of my life) not to have a child. My husband didn't either, so that made the decision a done deal. Today, in my early sixties, I'm so thankful I don't have a child to 'depend' on. I see other women of my age, friends, who do have children but are nevertheless fending for themselves - less willingly and happily than I, because they feel 'let down' by their children who they 'expected' would be there for them. I never had these expectations, so I have planned for being alone (especially after my husband passed on some years back.) Do keep this blog going, it's great! I found it by serendipity and am glad I did:)

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    1. Thank you for your comment Shanta. It is nice to have some insight from a person who took such a 'controversial' :) decision so long ago sans regrets. Thanks again!

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  4. Hi,
    This is Manasi. I and my husband took a decision to be childfree as soon as we were serious about each other!! I learnt about the term couple of years ago and since have followed childfree issues ( virtually all of American origin, I admit)online.
    Great to come across Indian forum..

    cheers
    Manasi

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    1. Hi Manasi, You are right.The reason we started this blog was because most initiatives we came across were mostly American. It did not make sense. With a population of way beyond a billion, were there no other like minded couples like us?? There simply had to be and we simply had to reach out to them. And it does seem like the effort was worth while :)

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  5. Urvashi Butalia | Childless, naturally

    http://www.livemint.com/Leisure/jEGOb5320WMOVI1boGOfGN/Urvashi-Butalia--Childless-naturally.html

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    1. Thanks Khushboo-great article. Have posted the same.

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  6. A very welcome site.The Childfree by choice page on FB is quite interesting and positive about this whole issue.But then it is predominantly American.Why don't we also have a page on FB.Having children has become a thoughtless activity somehow across all classes.Even if it means:
    you are adding to the burden of your parents/in laws who already have age as a burden.
    You search for a maid before the kid is born so that you can go to work.
    you do not have the time to enjoy any landmark moment in the kids' life
    the kid goes to school in a bus like a can of sardines
    sleeping on the pavements,nothing to eat or wear...
    And then at the end of it all we complain about stress being more these days.

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    1. I agree. We should have an FB initiative soon. The interesting thing will be to then see how many people are willing to come out in the open and 'like' it :)

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