The below comment was posted here and I would like to know your experience in dealing with the same. This will be valuable to the commentator and others in similar situation. How should the couple communicate their decision?
Comment:
Though I am all for childfree life, at times it scares me....I am really afraid of being an outcast from the society and not have anyone to share my joys and sorrows with. I just don't want to hurt my parents and in-laws, but i don't fancy having babies either....Confused but inclined to being childfree. I wish I find the strength.
This is a common dilemma that most of us face while communicating ours decisions to near and dear ones. And what to say about the fragile makeup of Indian families! We get hurt and offended very easily even for trivial issues.And this is huge! The first rule of Indian marriages is: If you are married you are supposed to produce children (and that too in a certain time frame)!
My response as posted on the same link:
I hear you. Going against societal norms is not easy. You and your spouse need to be 110% sure about a childfree life. Once you both are absolutely convinced that this lifestyle will bring you happiness - then it will be easier to talk to people who matter to you. They might still not understand but at the end of the day your family wants to see you happy.
And, it is more important that you bring a child into this world for the right reasons.
Polka dog enjoys living on the fringe of society and is used to saying 'our life, our decisions' for a lot of situations. Being in a different country away from family helped. Basically polka dog had it quite easy and cannot add much value:(
I will put this up as a separate blog post and let the readers give their stories/suggestions/perspectives.
P.S Polka dog's family and friends have not abandoned her despite her 'hurting' them. She is able to spend a lot more time and energy with family as she doesn't need to plan her schedule around kids. In a way it has brought all of us closer.
Dear readers, look forward to your view points!
Comment:
Though I am all for childfree life, at times it scares me....I am really afraid of being an outcast from the society and not have anyone to share my joys and sorrows with. I just don't want to hurt my parents and in-laws, but i don't fancy having babies either....Confused but inclined to being childfree. I wish I find the strength.
This is a common dilemma that most of us face while communicating ours decisions to near and dear ones. And what to say about the fragile makeup of Indian families! We get hurt and offended very easily even for trivial issues.And this is huge! The first rule of Indian marriages is: If you are married you are supposed to produce children (and that too in a certain time frame)!
My response as posted on the same link:
I hear you. Going against societal norms is not easy. You and your spouse need to be 110% sure about a childfree life. Once you both are absolutely convinced that this lifestyle will bring you happiness - then it will be easier to talk to people who matter to you. They might still not understand but at the end of the day your family wants to see you happy.
And, it is more important that you bring a child into this world for the right reasons.
Polka dog enjoys living on the fringe of society and is used to saying 'our life, our decisions' for a lot of situations. Being in a different country away from family helped. Basically polka dog had it quite easy and cannot add much value:(
I will put this up as a separate blog post and let the readers give their stories/suggestions/perspectives.
P.S Polka dog's family and friends have not abandoned her despite her 'hurting' them. She is able to spend a lot more time and energy with family as she doesn't need to plan her schedule around kids. In a way it has brought all of us closer.
Dear readers, look forward to your view points!
It is normal to get scared, all human beings question their life choices; that is how you know that the choice you made at some point of time in the past- is it even valid now or not? It is the process of reconsideration that will reaffirm your conviction in your choice or it could also cause you to change it. There is no easy way to live a childfree life or a life as a parent; anyway life is tough; yet once you overcome a certain challenge it strengthens your faith in yourself. There is no greater antidote to fear than having faith in oneself. The question I ask and keep asking myself is: which one is the right choice for me? (it is never: what is the easy choice for me?) Once I know what is the right thing for me to do, then it is only a matter of just keeping calm, taking a deep breath and doing it. In times of self-doubt take some time out to figure out who you are and what you want. Rather than obsessing on the fear of being alone, an outcast; get to know yourself, this will help you find the courage within. As long as you are alive the society needs you as much as you need the society. Keeping calm will not only help you in dealing with your fear and taking the right decision; it will also help everyone else around you.
ReplyDeleteCommunicating with the spouse depends on many personal factors; this is where you both could help each other through the times of self-doubt; or insensitively tear each other down to regret it later. It is always better to keep calm and communicate your true feelings with each other, that will help in identifying when to provide strength to him/her and when to ask for it. Being sensitive to your spouse's feelings and addressing them with kindness and wisdom- make a happy home environment.
Thanks for your comment cannykan. long time since I heard from you. glad to 'see' you :)
ReplyDeleteLoved this:
"As long as you are alive the society needs you as much as you need the society. Keeping calm will not only help you in dealing with your fear and taking the right decision; it will also help everyone else around you "
I have been sure of being childfree since I can truly recall. Children never appealed and luckily, my husband has been supportive. However, there are times when I try and understand why almost everyone thinks of a family once married. Trust me, I have no answer. The closest I can understand is probably because they aren't sure of what they want. Believing in yourself is the most important factor when leading a life little different from the mass. But that shouldn't stop oneself from leading their lives the way they want to and not the way a society wants them to.
ReplyDeleteAgree Pia. Self belief is so critical. Some of us are lucky to have this kind of surety. But for those on the fence/susceptible to peer pressure it can be very challenging to make the choice best suited to them. Hopefully more stories like ours will give them clarity.
ReplyDelete:) Polka! To be quite honest, it's not like I would not face challeneges in future, but all it takes is a no..and with that no, high chances of relationship tarnishing. But that shouldn't stop us from doing what we want to do...btw, any tips for handling nagging relatives? LOL
Deletebtw, any tips for handling nagging relatives? LOL
ReplyDelete-------------------------------
how about don't handle them at all :)
I remember once an aunt cornered me at a wedding (one of the rare ones that I attended.) and asked me why have I made this dreadful decision. I knew it was pointless discussing with her; some people will never get it. So she talked and talked and gave me her spiel on why kids ( old age, keeping my marriage intact, society etc). I listened patiently and then thanked her for the excellent points she'd made. I told her I had not considered many of the things she'd mentioned and I will seriously ponder over it. She was shocked by such an easy win and I was able to move away.
Too good, will try this
Deletehahhahahhaha!! good one, although I think what you did was just ignore her...and yes that's biggest way to handle such non sense!! Have you ever felt the need of a child? I mean I always wonder how a lot of people don't realize the positive of being child free...there are so many things one can do...but I guess in our country being productive is what counts.
ReplyDeletePia, I think mostly people in our country don't really 'think' about whether they really need a child or not. That is because the conditioning runs very deep. I am sure if some awareness comes in, there will be many more taking the CFC route.
DeleteI will tell you the characteristics of female CFC.most of the females wear short skirts and these stupid bitches think they are uber cool by saying they are cfc.the husband of such females are usually useless impotent guys.they don't cook at home and spend most of the time eating out.they think they are big achievers in life but in reality they are neither cfo and ceo's just plain immoral lazy women.such females should be flogged daily
ReplyDeleteVanniyar, you are really something :-)
DeleteI usually screen comments like yours but I simply could not help laughing at your 'short skirts' comment :-D. So I thought I should make an exception and for once publish one of the many ridiculous comments we receive!
And family have said but then I also thought of bringing an unwanted child in world...and I realized the later was more scary.
ReplyDelete