( Source: Hindustan Times, New Delhi)
http://www.hindustantimes.com/sex-and-relationships/going-child-free-indian-women-opting-for-lives-without-kids/story-PJE5tsbuOhGyBEfpLjyjfI.html
They call it ‘child-free’, actually. A growing number of women are
opting for lives without children, despite opposition from parents and
in-laws, because they want to focus on work, travel and pursuing their
passions.
“To my mind, motherhood feels like a form of bondage, in that there
is so much responsibility, guilt and emotion that you are in danger of
losing your logical self.” Nandita Mahadevia, 28, Mumbai-based marketing
professional.
“I don’t believe you have to bear a child to give it a mother’s
love. We have so many nephews and nieces around that we don’t miss
having a child of our own.” Manjuri Hazarika, 37, Delhi-based
e-entrepreneur.
In India, where having a child has not traditionally been a matter of
choice, there’s a growing number of women agreeing with Nandita and
Manjuri. And, as Amrita Nandy has found, protecting their careers is
often last on the women’s lists of reasons for staying childless.
Nandy, a social scientist and former Fox International Fellow at Yale
University, wrote a 2013 paper titled ‘Outliers of Motherhood’, about
being childfree in India. She is now in the final stages of a book on
the subject. “I have spoken to scores of women, and many think of it
more as being ‘childfree’ — or free to not have children,” says Nandy.
“Most were driven by concerns about the ecology and cultural
environment, put off by high levels of pollution, consumption,
materialism and crime. They all wondered why they should bring another
human into this mess.”
To varying degrees, there is still shame, stigma, awkwardness or
silence around the issue of remaining child-free, Nandy says.“But as we
move towards a more individualistic society, with more nuclear families,
the decision to have children is no longer made by the extended family,
but by the couple,” family counsellor Gouri Dange adds.
“In the past few years, what it takes to raise a child has been
defined,” she adds, “and there are enough women who just don’t want to
do it.”
Bangalore
In February, the matrimonial profile of Indhuja, a
Bangalore-based interaction designer and self-professed ‘tomboy’, went
viral. “My parents, concerned that I was ‘still’ unmarried, created a
politically correct profile on a matrimonial site. Ticked off, I created
a website of my own with the real details,” says the 24-year-old, who
goes by only one name.
Indhuja
Pillai, an app developer with a passion for biking, who has made a
matrimonial website saying she is looking for a man who does not want
children either.
(Photography by Sathish V/ Hindustan Times)
‘…NOT a womanly woman… Won’t grow long hair, ever. Looking for: A
man, preferably bearded, who is passionate about seeing the world.
Someone who earns for himself and does NOT hate his job… NOT a family
guy…’ her posting went. It has had 7.5 lakh views so far and Indhuja has
meanwhile broken it to her parents that while she might marry, she will
definitely not be giving them any grandchildren.
“I love biking long-distance, and I don’t want to be tied down by
having a child to stay home for. I need to be able to take off for
weeks, not knowing when I will come back,” she says. “If I did have a
child, it wouldn’t be raised the way it was meant to be, and I don’t
want that either.”
Indhuja laughingly adds that her parents, for the most part,
understand and support her. “They keep asking if I’ve got any
interesting suitors from the website and I tell them that if nothing
works out, I can always marry my true love — my bike.”
Incidentally, the website has brought her 200 suitors but none
exceptional enough to make her break her rule about not meeting guys
online.
Kolkata
Suchismita Dasgupta, 41, is a busy costume designer who
loves to travel. “I move around a lot for work, and I enjoy it. I also
take at least two holidays a year — one of them at least a month long,”
she says. “I socialise a lot, meeting friends for beers after work
nearly every day, as I wait for my husband to get home.”
Costume designer Suchismita Dasgupta at her Kolkata office on December 30, 2015.
(Photo by Samir Jana/ Hindustan Times)
Dasgupta and her husband have been married eight years and been
together for ten, and through that time have periodically revisited
their discussions about not having children. “It’s a decision we’ve
never regretted,” Suchismita says.
They married relatively late — she was 33, he was 39 — so most of
their friends and cousins had already had kids, and Suchismita says
seeing the sacrifices involved in parenting cemented their decision.
“I’ve always loved kids. I’m a favourite aunt. But I don’t fancy the
idea of putting my life on hold,” Suchismita says. “Right now I can
decide to pack my bags and go away for the weekend, or unwind after a
hard day’s work with friends, without having to worry about school,
homework or exams; without feeling guilty about doing what I want for
myself.”
For the couple, another factor was the rising incidence of crimes
against children. “I can’t imagine having to worry all the time that
your children might not come home safe,” she says. “In its current form,
the world doesn’t feel like a safe place for children.”
Mumbai
Marketing executive Nandita Mahadevia, 28, had always
wondered whether she was cut out for motherhood. In early 2015 she
married her boyfriend of two years, 32-year-old businessman Aditya, and
the idea that she might become a mother suddenly became very real. Too
real, she says.
Nandita pose in Andheri, Mumbai.
(Photo by Satish Bate/ Hindustan Times)
That’s when she decided to admit to herself, her husband and her
parents that it was just not something she wanted. “To my mind,
motherhood feels like a form of bondage, in that there is so much
responsibility, guilt and emotion that you are in danger of losing your
logical self,” she says.
Mahadevia adds that she wouldn’t want to outsource parenting to
grandparents. “And I want the freedom to work on myself,” she adds. “I
used to sing as a child, and I would like to pursue formal vocal
training. I want to learn new things, pursue a PhD in mythology, maybe
eventually teach it someday. Knowing me, every time I had to give a
passion up for a child, I would probably end up resenting him or her.”
It hasn’t been easy convincing her husband, she admits, but she
managed by adding to her own arguments the one that the world is too
complicated and dangerous — with its terrorism, sexual crimes and
environmental messes — to bring a new life into.
“What really tipped the scales for Aditya was that photo in September
of the dead Syrian refugee child washed ashore in Turkey,” she says.
“We still haven’t discussed the subject with his parents, and my parents
keep trying to coax me to change my mind. But I am clear that I don’t
want kids. And my husband now says he cannot imagine bringing a new life
into a world like this.”
Delhi
Two years ago, we were almost bankrupt,” says Manjuri
Hazarika, 37, who runs an e-commerce portal in Delhi and married a
marketing manager three years ago. “We married late, and we were both
still struggling with our careers. The decision to not have children
has, for us, been a practical and joint one.”
Most of Manjuri’s relatives and friends are well-settled. She worries
that if they had a child, the little one would not have the privileges
that other children in their circle do. “We have so many nieces and
nephews that we do not miss having children,” she adds. “Also, my work,
with a company that is still at the fledgling stage, needs almost as
much patience as raising a baby would. Eventually, we plan to sponsor
the education of underprivileged children so as to do our bit — but we
definitely don’t want to have any of our own.”
While Manjuri’s parents are deceased, her in-laws are not too happy
with the decision. “They don’t like the idea, so we don’t discuss it.
There’s always been a communication gap with them, because we are from
different cultures and schools of thought,” she says. “I may not be able
to explain the reasons to them, but I make my own decisions, and have a
husband who supports me. My husband and I have faced many hardships
together, so we can handle the pressure.”
