For All The Perverts Out There...

I am going to keep this short.

I am the administrator of this blog- which means I get to choose the comments worth publishing. Why should I have to monitor the comments? Well that’s because it is more of a necessity than an ego trip.

For every comment published there are at least six that get deleted. Why? Because for some reason, most of the people seeking out blogs on child free couples happen to believe that we are a community of the ‘sex crazed’! The comments range from the more ‘tame’ queries on our ‘favorite’ contraception methods (grow up fellas!)  to the absolutely outrageously (and often incorrectly)worded, invitations to the ‘swingers’ clubs’.

There are others who suggest that CFC’s should be ‘castrated’ (there are graphic descriptions offered) and that their jobs should be given away to others more deserving (read non CFCs) . Many ridicule the IQ level of the authors with extremely unkind, obscene and bitter words.

Then there are the more persistent ones who target women- suggesting they are lazy, selfish and should buy certain vegetables  for their ‘needs’ instead of getting married. Some comments  start out with promise before quickly succumbing to the writer’s perversion. The content of the comments remains consistently  sexual and  hostile.

Gosh!We are normal folks, guys- it is YOU who are the perverts!

 Polite/impolite reasoning with you  is not going to work so instead- here is a short message- You can visit this blog all you want and dump as much garbage as you possibly can, but you will NEVER have the satisfaction of having your comments published. So why not save some time and not bother??!

Though I am all for childfree life, at times it scares me ....

 The below comment was posted here and I would like to know your experience in dealing with the same. This will be valuable to the commentator and others in similar situation. How should the couple communicate their decision?

Comment:
Though I am all for childfree life, at times it scares me....I am really afraid of being an outcast from the society and not have anyone to share my joys and sorrows with. I just don't want to hurt my parents and in-laws, but i don't fancy having babies either....Confused but inclined to being childfree. I wish I find the strength.

This is a common dilemma that most of us face while communicating ours decisions to near and dear ones. And what to say about the fragile makeup of Indian families! We get hurt and offended very easily even for trivial issues.And this is huge! The first rule of Indian marriages is: If you are married you are supposed to produce children (and that too in a certain time frame)!

My response as posted on the same link:


I hear you. Going against societal norms is not easy. You and your spouse need to be 110% sure about a childfree life. Once you both are absolutely convinced that this lifestyle will bring you happiness - then it will be easier to talk to people who matter to you. They might still not understand but at the end of the day your family wants to see you happy. 

And, it is more important that you bring a child into this world for the right reasons.

Polka dog enjoys living on the fringe of society and is used to saying 'our life, our decisions' for a lot of situations. Being in a different country away from family helped. Basically polka dog had it quite easy and cannot add much value:( 

I will put this up as a separate blog post and let the readers give their stories/suggestions/perspectives. 

P.S Polka dog's  family and friends have not abandoned her despite her 'hurting' them.  She is able to spend a lot more time and energy with family as she doesn't need to plan her schedule around kids. In a way it has brought all of us closer.

Dear readers, look forward to your view points!

To The Women Who Choose Not To Have Kids- Abby Rosmarin

 

Source: http://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosmarin/2013/12/to-the-women-who-choose-not-to-have-kids/

Abby Rosmarin

To the women who choose not to have kids, I have one thing to say: thank you.

You probably don’t hear it enough. In fact, you probably don’t hear it at all. What you do hear is an array of pro-childbearing responses, such as, “You’ll change your mind someday,” or, “Doesn’t your mother want grandkids?” or, “You’ll never find a husband if you never want to have kids.”

Like Thought Catalog on Facebook.

All things considered, “thank you” is probably on the opposite end of what you hear.
But seriously: thank you. Thank you for recognizing that childrearing isn’t for you and being true to who you are. It doesn’t mean you hate kids. It just means that raising one is not part of your path in life.
Thank you for not succumbing to the societal pressures. I’ve known far too many parents who had kids because that’s what was expected of them. Working in childcare, you see more of this type than you wish to see. The resentment is almost palpable. They love their children — at least, they have no choice but to love their children — but every single movement seems to scream, “I wasn’t meant for this.” I’ve known too many people who grew up with at least one parent who harbored that resentment, who let that resentment dictate how they parented. I’ve seen how that influenced the way these former children are now as adults, or even as parents themselves.
Thank you for not trying to compromise who you are in an effort to keep a partner around. Thank you for being honest and open and refusing to apologize for who you are. Everyone has different values. Everyone wants something different in life. It takes a lot of guts and confidence to say, “This is what I want in life. It’s not the orthodox way, but it’s my way.”
Thank you for not trying to silence that feeling in your gut as a means to validate your life. There are too many people in this world who cannot figure out their path — or have stumbled while walking down said path — and decided that maybe having a child could provide that meaning and definition instead. You understand that down this path lies vicarious living and hurt emotions and you recognize that there are so many other ways to find love and meaning and joy in your life.
Raising children is a difficult, onerous, frustrating, and disappointing gig. It’s tough enough for those who want it. It is a rewarding and loving gig as well, but it’s not something one should go into while focusing only on reward and love and societal acceptance. In this day and age, with a booming population in almost every country, it makes no sense to pressure every person to have a baby. But we’re sticklers to tradition, ritualistic to a fault.
So thank you. It’s not easy to stand firm with your belief. Honestly, truly, and genuinely: thank you. 

The Curious Case Of Vimalsha

If you've visited the Jain Delawada temples of Mount Abu you'd know what ‘poetry in marble’ means. The intricate and minute carvings of this 11th century AD temple are absolutely breathtaking. This is a story about the man who built it.
 

The actual Jain story has multiple layers and learnings but what fascinated me was this aside. So here it is with a bit of a preamble.

Vimalsha was the well-respected commander of King Bhimdev’s kingdom in Gujarat.  Due to a misunderstanding created by few of the king’s close aides, he decided to leave the capital city of Patan and move to Mount Abu (known as Chandravati at that time) as a governor. 

It was the best of times and he enjoyed the peace and bliss around him. One day Vimalsha’s guru, a Jain Acharya, asked him to construct a temple at Chandravati that would inspire people. Vimalsha agreed to build a grand temple and prayed to the Goddess, Ambika Devi, for her blessings. She was pleased with his sincerity and asked him what he wanted. Now Vimalsha had a beautiful, loving wife, Shridevi and they were enjoying their time in Chandravati.  But there was one issue, which was, that that they had no ‘issues’. Having no children made them feel incomplete. So he asked Ambika Devi for a son as well as the capability to construct the temple. But the Goddess, being a Goddess, could grant him only one wish so he opted for the temple.

It took 14 years to build the temple on top of the mountain. The workers were paid in gold for their efforts. The artisans would collect the marble dust that they had carved for the day. This stone powder would get weighed and an equal amount of gold would be given to them!  Vimalsha was indeed loved by all.

His life was perfect but for want of a child. The story goes that Ambika Devi was extremely happy with the couple and wanted to grant them one more wish. She came in Shridevi’s dream and the Goddess, being a Goddess, asked her to go to the temple at midnight along with her husband. They both were thrilled and went to the temple right away. 

It was a long wait for the clock to strike twelve and the couple felt thirsty. So Vimalsha went to a nearby step well to fetch water. The steps inside the well led to the water level. There were beautiful carving on the inner walls and he was mesmerised by its beauty as he walked down. Suddenly, a man stopped him and demanded a toll. Vimalsha was shocked. He said, ‘Why would you demand money for water?’  (Yes those were the days …)  The man replied, ‘This well was built by my grandfather and so now it belongs to me. I don’t have any other source of income and I feel I’m entitled to charge for it’ 

This made Vimalsha very uncomfortable. He thought, ‘What would happen if one day some of my own children or their children tried to collect a toll for the temple that I’ve built?’  He shuddered at this and wondered if it was better to remain without a child. He asked his wife for her views. She was in agreement. (Yes those were the days …) So, at midnight when the Goddess asked them what they wanted, Shridevi replied, ‘We want to lead a childfree life. We don’t want any children.’ Ambika Devi was stunned! This was the first time she had received such a strange request. 

The Goddess, being a Goddess, granted them their wish to remain childfree. And, they lived happily ever after :) (Yes those were the days ...)

Leading the 'Good' Life

Many of us occasionally ponder life’s deeper questions but quickly go back on cruise control and continue our quotidian existence. An unexpected death or sudden misfortune can prompt us to question the purpose of life and our role in it but rarely does it have a profound enough impact to completely change the way we live.  It’s usually after retirement, well into our 60s, that we have the time and inclination to focus on how to lead a good (read spiritual) life!

How does one stay focused inwards and maintain equanimity in face of all that life throws at us? How does one learn the art of dying, and in turn, the art of living fully? How does one consciously detach oneself from people and possessions alike?  How do we really live, not on autopilot, but deliberately? Every moment.

In my view, as a childfree person half the battle is already won.     

                                                   

Choosing to be childfree requires conviction and courage. The choice might be clear but to stick by the decision isn’t easy.  And there is usually something deeper at play. Perhaps a desire to go against the grain and challenge societal norms.  Or an inner urge to confront the apparent meaninglessness of life head on instead of distracting oneself with the needs of one’s progeny for the next twenty years or more.    

Childfree couples deal with the big questions earlier on, often in their thirties and forties.

You think about death and in essence the purpose of your life. After all, what are you living for, whom are you earning for? Who will carry on your ‘legacy’? Who will you entrust all your valuable possessions to after your time on earth? 

You think about the question ‘No children? Then what next?’  ‘What next?’ is a powerful question that begets more questions while proffering no answers.  

You think about feeling complete and confident within.  Without having to look outside of you. Without having to create anew.  You think beyond ‘My Family, my Kids’. Beyond ritualistic living. Beyond hypocrisies. Beyond conforming for the sake of it.

From a spiritual point of view, there’s certainly an element of self-selection in the desire to be child-free. Even otherwise, the absence of children – often the strongest attachments one can have – pushes people on the spiritual path at a younger age than usual. 

Whether from the perspective of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the Yogic way for salvation, or the Buddhist path to Nirvana – one seems a step closer to liberation. 

The path is already smooth and ready to be taken, but of course to walk on it is the real deal.

When you get asked the same question again and again and again…..

As a childfree person, you know the question that gets asked of you again and again. When you get the same question ad nauseam, it makes you think real hard about the decision you have taken after thinking real hard. My answers, and perhaps my thought process, have evolved over time and I’m sure they’ll keep evolving until people stop asking me.

The following conversations are all real (except where indicated):

Question: So why don’t you want children? (this a couple of months into marriage; I am 29)

Answer 1:  Umm… I don’t feel like it.  

Response: Don’t worry. You’ll feel like it. Everyone does. Just remember, your clock is ticking!

Question: You don’t want to take any responsibility in life? (At this point I was taking a break from work and generally chilling; Age: 34)

Answer2:  Well the truth is I have decided to take the responsibility of reducing the world’s population.

Question: But seriously, I still don’t get it. Why no kids?

Answer3: Well since you asked, let me ask you, ‘Why did you decide to have children?’

Response: An uncomfortable silence with an embarrassing smile; occasionally, ‘because everyone does, because we’re meant to’ or ‘because I don’t feel complete without children.’

Question:  I ‘m sure you don’t fit into this category but you know most other people these days are not having children because they want to lead an extravagant life. Very selfish and self-absorbed, don’t you think? (This is from someone at a women’s empowerment conference who wore a permanent ‘holier than thou’ look.)

Answer4:  Well, we have limited resources these days including water, so don’t you think it’s selfish to have children?  And anyway, isn’t it good that such ’self-absorbed people’ don’t have children?  Imagine what kind of parents they would make. But don’t you think we should be breaking the mould of what being a woman really means?  So, what about you? Why don’t you adopt instead of having children?

Question:  Don’t you like children?

Answer5: I don’t mind playing with children as long as I can return them to their owners, oops parents.

Question: Ok. Why don’t you have children?

Answer6: Isn’t it time we flip the question and start asking, ‘Why are you having children?’  The resources and infrastructure in most cities in India can’t handle the current population.  So shouldn’t people be taxed for having children at this point? Shouldn’t we be questioning the need for more?  How many people think before having children? We have progressed to the question of ‘when kids’ but not evolved to ‘why kids’. When will we get there?

Question: Isn’t it selfish not to have children?

Answer7:  Give me one unselfish reason (other than stupidity) why people have kids. Or indeed, why people do (or don’t do) anything in life.

Question: No children? How long have you been married? (A persistent aunt who asks me this every time we talk over the phone. I never know what to say... I’m 37 and she still hasn’t lost hope.  It’s time to create a hopeless situation.)

Answer7:  ‘Yes Aunty. You are so right. I’m “trying” for the last 9 years including a year before marriage. We try everyday – morning and evening. Sometimes afternoon also. All positions Aunty. But nothing.  Sad no? But I’m not giving up. Actually, I have to keep the phone down – it’s our time to “try”. So bbye! 

I haven’t had the courage to give this answer yet – maybe some vodka might help me with my delivery! No pun intended.

I would love to hear your responses to this question. A handy repertoire of some wickedly funny retorts would be nice to dish out at the appropriate time.  So, what have you got?

Oh baby, no baby!- HEMALI CHHAPIA & MALATHY IYER TIMES NEWS NETWORK, TOI Crest

Oh baby, no baby!

• 

(Oh baby, no baby! )

Gone are the days of Hum Do Hamare Do. Today, couples in the country are childless by choice...
At a get-together, all the kids huddle around Monisha and play a game which other adults find difficult to enjoy. Each child takes turns, runs around the house taking a particular route and somewhere along the journey, a shape emerges. As a child, Monisha played this game for hours. At 38, she prefers to spend her time with the children than sit around with the other women and discuss parties.

By evening all the seven children want Monisha to stay back, but she and her husband Anish Palshekar have to get home. They are both chatty during the drive. Ace of Spades, followed by some Judas Priest and Scorpions plays in the background. Meanwhile, the rest of the cousins still finishing dessert wonder why the Palshekars don't want their own children.
That decision was taken about 15 years ago, a few days before their marriage. "Neither have we regretted it, nor have we looked back," says Anish, an IAS officer with the Indian Railways. For this couple, not having a child was a basic and informed choice. "Why does everyone need to have a child of their own? There are so many children in India and people can adopt them. Also, we thought of the freedom we would have and decided not to have a child," he adds. Weekends and vacations are never quiet for the Palshekars. "We are consumed by the lineup of things that are playing in Mumbai, which we want to catch," says Monisha. "I have to say that the freedom we have is something we really cherish."
Not surprisingly, the Palshekars always stay at a show till the curtains drop or the credits roll, while most of their friends rush home to be with their children. But it would be wrong to think of them as selfish. For, Anish has given years of his life teaching street children and Monisha, even today, works with women and children in India's hinterland.
These two are part of India's rising population of DINKs (Double Income No Kids). Time was when having a kid - or three - was the norm. And a childless couple, a rarity. If at all there was a pair that didn't have a kid, friends and family were sure there was, "some problem". Not anymore. In the new India, people are childless by choice. And the stigma attached to the concept is slowly wearing off.
Forty-five year-old Dipshita Singh, a scientist, points to children running around naked in the slums and says, "When you don't have your own children, you feel every child is yours. It's not something I want to say so I sound good. But my husband and I have been able to reach out to a lot of children." For the Singhs, opting to not have children was a decision taken jointly after they realised that there were too many conflicts one had to tackle in life. "We didn't want someone to come into this world to live that tough life," she offers by way of explanation. But the Singhs rarely do things just by themselves. "Our concept of a family is not represented by a Maruti car: the husband and wife in the front and two children in the back. For us, family is about my husband and my parents and his and our brothers and sisters, and their children too."

Source: http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2010-09-23/man-woman/28214410_1_monisha-childless-couple-ias-officer