This blog is a means of connecting to people in India who are child free by choice. You are invited to share your reasons and/or experiences, to ask questions that bother you (medical problems for women, lack of care during old age, loneliness et al) provide answers if you have them, discuss relevant topics like being pro-choice, the social stigma, fear of old age and even loneliness; with a dash of humour if you so choose to! Please send all contributions to childfreebychoiceindia@gmail.com.
( source : http://www.scoopwhoop.com/Heres-Why-More-And-More-Married-Indian-Women-Are-Choosing-To-Remain-ChildFree/) Jan 07, 2016 at 22:09
The
Indian society is one that is intricately woven with threads of
traditions, values and culture. A culture that is impregnated with the
notion of the 'ideal family'. A culture that reveres, and glorifies
motherhood.
For a majority of
the female population in our country, the Indian dream amounts to
finding the perfect life partner, making babies and looking after them.
In India, for the longest time, a woman's worth has for the most part
been determined in terms of her home-making skills and her ability to
bear a heir to the family she is married into.
The Indian society deems that motherhood is a woman's destiny, the only way a woman's being can be rendered whole.
We women have thrived in the inherently patriarchal setup for decades now, fitting into the mould of the ideal bharatiya naari. Of
course, there is no denying the fulfilment that comes along with being a
mother, building a beautiful, functional family. But as more and more
women are becoming financially independent, with the onset of the
modern-traditional dichotomy, a large number of women are breaking out
from the status quo.
Married Indian women, in harmony with their
partners, are making the informed, well thought out decision of opting
out of motherhood.
Being child-free is a reality for married women in India today, and
the reasons cited for this seemingly drastic measure within the Indian
setup are indicators of an empowered mindset.
Child Free by Choice Indiais
a blog that chronicles the accounts of Indians who choose to remain
childless, connecting people with similar experiences, and initiating
discussions on a variety of topics like "being pro-choice, the social
stigma, fear of old age and even loneliness". It is a refreshing,
emancipating movement that has been brewing in the nation.
Featured on the blog is Indrani Mukherjee's account
(originally published in Tehelka Magazine), where she says "For urban
middle class couples, having children is no longer a must. Women are
unwilling to carry the burden alone and find happiness without the
patter of little feet."
Amidst the stigma, shame and raised eyebrows that this decision to
remain childless draws, urban women cite a variety of reasons to steer
clear of motherhood. And considering motherhood to be a hindrance of
one's career is not the central reason that triggers this resolution.
In a report published by The Hindustan Times, social scientist Amrita Nandy, who wrote a paper titled Outliers of Motherhood, broke
down some of the reasons cited by women to remain childless. “Most were
driven by concerns about the ecology and cultural environment, put off
by high levels of pollution, consumption, materialism and crime. They
all wondered why they should bring another human into this mess”, she
says.
In the same report,
family counsellor Gauri Dange was quoted to say “As we move towards a
more individualistic society, with more nuclear families, the decision
to have children is no longer made by the extended family, but by the
couple. In the past few years, what it takes to raise a child has been
defined,and there are enough women who just don’t want to do it.”
“To
my mind, motherhood feels like a form of bondage, in that there is so
much responsibility, guilt and emotion that you are in danger of losing
your logical self,” says Mumbai based marketing executive Nandita
Mahadevia.
“I want the freedom to work
on myself,” she adds. “I used to sing as a child, and I would like to
pursue formal vocal training. I want to learn new things, pursue a PhD
in mythology, maybe eventually teach it someday. Knowing me, every time I
had to give a passion up for a child, I would probably end up resenting
him or her.”
What needs to be realized is the fact that these women have taken
charge of their own lives, defining their own purpose and setting their
own standards of fulfilment, without blindly conforming to what society
deems appropriate.
Another
crucial factor that comes into play when it comes to bearing a child is
that it needs to be a well thought out decision. Speaking to Amrita
Mukherjee for her blog AmritaSpeaks,
Suchismita Dasgupta, a Calcutta-based costume designer highlighted an
inherent problem associated with bearing children that modern millennial
couples often face.
"Everyone
should have a reason to have a child. A child should not just ‘happen’
to you because that’s the way you have known things to ‘happen’. Some of
my friends and acquaintances have given birth to a ‘bandaid’ child;
they gave birth because they think the child will save their
relationship", she says.
It is time we widen our horizons and appreciate the fact that women
have the right to exercise their choice of not having children.
If
a couple mutually decide against having kids, or a single woman chooses
to opt out of motherhood, instead of writing them off as anomalies, it
is pertinent we understand that motherhood is not the only means of
deriving gratification in life as a woman.
In closing, Urvashi Buthalia's words as they appeared in liveMint resonate the truth of what it feels like to choose to be a child-free modern Indian woman:
"So
what do we have in the end? The ‘naturalness’ of motherhood? The
‘curse’ of childlessness? A life filled with lack, with loss of what
might have been? Or just another way of living?", she asks.
For these women, living their
own life, without being responsible for another, is an active choice on
their part to live a fulfilled life, a life of contentment, despite - or
perhaps because of - being what is called ‘childless’
They call it ‘child-free’, actually. A growing number of women are
opting for lives without children, despite opposition from parents and
in-laws, because they want to focus on work, travel and pursuing their
passions.
“To my mind, motherhood feels like a form of bondage, in that there
is so much responsibility, guilt and emotion that you are in danger of
losing your logical self.” Nandita Mahadevia, 28, Mumbai-based marketing
professional. “I don’t believe you have to bear a child to give it a mother’s
love. We have so many nephews and nieces around that we don’t miss
having a child of our own.” Manjuri Hazarika, 37, Delhi-based
e-entrepreneur.
In India, where having a child has not traditionally been a matter of
choice, there’s a growing number of women agreeing with Nandita and
Manjuri. And, as Amrita Nandy has found, protecting their careers is
often last on the women’s lists of reasons for staying childless.
Nandy, a social scientist and former Fox International Fellow at Yale
University, wrote a 2013 paper titled ‘Outliers of Motherhood’, about
being childfree in India. She is now in the final stages of a book on
the subject. “I have spoken to scores of women, and many think of it
more as being ‘childfree’ — or free to not have children,” says Nandy.
“Most were driven by concerns about the ecology and cultural
environment, put off by high levels of pollution, consumption,
materialism and crime. They all wondered why they should bring another
human into this mess.”
To varying degrees, there is still shame, stigma, awkwardness or
silence around the issue of remaining child-free, Nandy says.“But as we
move towards a more individualistic society, with more nuclear families,
the decision to have children is no longer made by the extended family,
but by the couple,” family counsellor Gouri Dange adds.
“In the past few years, what it takes to raise a child has been
defined,” she adds, “and there are enough women who just don’t want to
do it.” Bangalore
In February, the matrimonial profile of Indhuja, a
Bangalore-based interaction designer and self-professed ‘tomboy’, went
viral. “My parents, concerned that I was ‘still’ unmarried, created a
politically correct profile on a matrimonial site. Ticked off, I created
a website of my own with the real details,” says the 24-year-old, who
goes by only one name.
Indhuja
Pillai, an app developer with a passion for biking, who has made a
matrimonial website saying she is looking for a man who does not want
children either.
(Photography by Sathish V/ Hindustan Times)
‘…NOT a womanly woman… Won’t grow long hair, ever. Looking for: A
man, preferably bearded, who is passionate about seeing the world.
Someone who earns for himself and does NOT hate his job… NOT a family
guy…’ her posting went. It has had 7.5 lakh views so far and Indhuja has
meanwhile broken it to her parents that while she might marry, she will
definitely not be giving them any grandchildren.
“I love biking long-distance, and I don’t want to be tied down by
having a child to stay home for. I need to be able to take off for
weeks, not knowing when I will come back,” she says. “If I did have a
child, it wouldn’t be raised the way it was meant to be, and I don’t
want that either.”
Indhuja laughingly adds that her parents, for the most part,
understand and support her. “They keep asking if I’ve got any
interesting suitors from the website and I tell them that if nothing
works out, I can always marry my true love — my bike.”
Incidentally, the website has brought her 200 suitors but none
exceptional enough to make her break her rule about not meeting guys
online. Kolkata
Suchismita Dasgupta, 41, is a busy costume designer who
loves to travel. “I move around a lot for work, and I enjoy it. I also
take at least two holidays a year — one of them at least a month long,”
she says. “I socialise a lot, meeting friends for beers after work
nearly every day, as I wait for my husband to get home.”
Costume designer Suchismita Dasgupta at her Kolkata office on December 30, 2015.
(Photo by Samir Jana/ Hindustan Times)
Dasgupta and her husband have been married eight years and been
together for ten, and through that time have periodically revisited
their discussions about not having children. “It’s a decision we’ve
never regretted,” Suchismita says.
They married relatively late — she was 33, he was 39 — so most of
their friends and cousins had already had kids, and Suchismita says
seeing the sacrifices involved in parenting cemented their decision.
“I’ve always loved kids. I’m a favourite aunt. But I don’t fancy the
idea of putting my life on hold,” Suchismita says. “Right now I can
decide to pack my bags and go away for the weekend, or unwind after a
hard day’s work with friends, without having to worry about school,
homework or exams; without feeling guilty about doing what I want for
myself.”
For the couple, another factor was the rising incidence of crimes
against children. “I can’t imagine having to worry all the time that
your children might not come home safe,” she says. “In its current form,
the world doesn’t feel like a safe place for children.” Mumbai
Marketing executive Nandita Mahadevia, 28, had always
wondered whether she was cut out for motherhood. In early 2015 she
married her boyfriend of two years, 32-year-old businessman Aditya, and
the idea that she might become a mother suddenly became very real. Too
real, she says.
Nandita pose in Andheri, Mumbai.
(Photo by Satish Bate/ Hindustan Times)
That’s when she decided to admit to herself, her husband and her
parents that it was just not something she wanted. “To my mind,
motherhood feels like a form of bondage, in that there is so much
responsibility, guilt and emotion that you are in danger of losing your
logical self,” she says.
Mahadevia adds that she wouldn’t want to outsource parenting to
grandparents. “And I want the freedom to work on myself,” she adds. “I
used to sing as a child, and I would like to pursue formal vocal
training. I want to learn new things, pursue a PhD in mythology, maybe
eventually teach it someday. Knowing me, every time I had to give a
passion up for a child, I would probably end up resenting him or her.”
It hasn’t been easy convincing her husband, she admits, but she
managed by adding to her own arguments the one that the world is too
complicated and dangerous — with its terrorism, sexual crimes and
environmental messes — to bring a new life into.
“What really tipped the scales for Aditya was that photo in September
of the dead Syrian refugee child washed ashore in Turkey,” she says.
“We still haven’t discussed the subject with his parents, and my parents
keep trying to coax me to change my mind. But I am clear that I don’t
want kids. And my husband now says he cannot imagine bringing a new life
into a world like this.” Delhi
Two years ago, we were almost bankrupt,” says Manjuri
Hazarika, 37, who runs an e-commerce portal in Delhi and married a
marketing manager three years ago. “We married late, and we were both
still struggling with our careers. The decision to not have children
has, for us, been a practical and joint one.”
Most of Manjuri’s relatives and friends are well-settled. She worries
that if they had a child, the little one would not have the privileges
that other children in their circle do. “We have so many nieces and
nephews that we do not miss having children,” she adds. “Also, my work,
with a company that is still at the fledgling stage, needs almost as
much patience as raising a baby would. Eventually, we plan to sponsor
the education of underprivileged children so as to do our bit — but we
definitely don’t want to have any of our own.”
While Manjuri’s parents are deceased, her in-laws are not too happy
with the decision. “They don’t like the idea, so we don’t discuss it.
There’s always been a communication gap with them, because we are from
different cultures and schools of thought,” she says. “I may not be able
to explain the reasons to them, but I make my own decisions, and have a
husband who supports me. My husband and I have faced many hardships
together, so we can handle the pressure.”
( Source https://amritaspeaks.com/tag/indian-woman-childfree-by-choice/ ) Posted: August 17, 2015
“… I think that childfree by choice is the new gay. We’re the new
disenfranchised group. People think we’re irresponsible, immoral sluts
and that our lifestyle is up for debate.”
Suchismita Dasgupta wrote this on her Facebook wall a few days back. I
was not surprised though. She is someone who has always spoken her mind
and not always done exactly what society expected her to do. That is
why Suchismita, though happily married, has decided not to be a mother.
In this post Suchismita, in her inimitable bold style, has penned her thoughts on being childfree in Indian society: What’s a good reason to have a child?
Yes, it’s a bit tiring! I got married at 33 and have been hearing
since I was 23 when am I going to get married? Then around 30, if I
don’t get married now then when will I have kids? Then 7 years after
getting married, I am still told ‘but you will make such a wonderful
mother’ or ‘you will miss them when you are older’ or ‘it is so selfish
not to have a child’ or ‘who will look after you when you are old?’. It
has always made me wonder are these reasons good enough to have a child
when you and your partner do not want one?
My masseuse came today for the first time. Yes I am 41 and till now
didn’t think massage was important. Anyway coming back to the point, she
asked me my age etc. and then children? When I replied that I don’t
have any her next question was ‘naoni na hoyni’, literally translated it means, you haven’t taken one or it didn’t happen???!!! How can a child just “happen”?
I find this word ‘happen’ extremely infuriating. In India everything
seems to be happening to you. Marriage happens to you, child happens to
you, misfortune happens to you and the list is endless. As if we are a
bunch of reproduction machines, programmed to get married, consummate
the same and reproduce. If you have not done any of them, then you are
an irresponsible person bringing shame to the family. Am I supposed to feel guilty for not having a maternal instinct?
I once had a conversation with a woman; she and her husband adopted a
girl when she was about 40. This was soon after our marriage and she
took it upon herself to tell me how important having children was. When I
told her that I love children as long as they go back to someone else’s
home, she said I was plain selfish, someone who doesn’t like children
is not worth talking to. Now that suited me fine, I really didn’t care
but it made me wonder how patriarchal and institutionalised this whole
thought process was. I am sure there would be many (in my shoes) who
would have felt guilty after this conversation for not having a lot of
maternal instinct.
Suchismita wearing her own design
It’s a well-thought out decision made by two people
In seven and a half years of marriage my husband and I both asked
each other many times if the other really wanted a child and was not
saying that because of the decision we took jointly and each time after a
lot of discussion and deliberation the answer has remained the same. I
still think to myself sometimes what if? But then I realise I am too
settled in my life as it is right now; there’s no reason why I should
change it! It might be for better or for worse but since I do not feel
the urge to change it, I won’t do it and I don’t think I owe this to
anyone either. I think there should be a reason to have a child
Everyone should have a reason to have a child. A child should not
just ‘happen’ to you because that’s the way you have known things to
‘happen’. Some of my friends and acquaintances have given birth to a
‘bandaid’ child; they gave birth because they think the child will save
their relationship.
I feel instant pity for the poor child and the baggage it is born
with. Added to this will be the pressure to perform and cope with the
constant competition between the parents for attention. A child is not born to fulfill dreams
Many parents want to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams through their
children. I know someone who tells his two-year-old daughter that she
has to become a doctor. I see parents treating their children like a
talking doll. You go to their place, they call their children and ask
them to show all the skills they have acquired. Who cares if the child
hates to perform in front of strangers. I am a doting aunt but can’t do this full time
I as an individual have no such personal crisis or future plans, in
fact, I have no maternal instinct either (yeah go on call me a slut) and
to be absolutely honest, I feel extremely settled and comfortable in
the current state of being and I somehow don’t want to disturb that. My
sudden motherhood rushes (like chocolate rush) are fulfilled by my
absolute gorgeous nieces and nephews with whom I have a mutual adoration
club. In fact, being a favourite aunt to many for the last 16 years, I
realised, I cannot do it full time. So whilst being an aunt absolutely
suits me, being a mother definitely doesn’t. Why can’t a woman challenge social norms?
Our upbringing leads us to believe that women are the reproduction
agents, who “must” look after children, home etc. We have enough books,
films, television to support and coax you into that system. However the
time has changed, we don’t think in terms of man and woman as genders
anymore. It’s also about time we treat each other as individuals. I (a
woman) as an individual may not want to give birth/adopt, breast
feed/look after feeding, be woken up in the middle of night, or wake up
the child in the morning to take to school. My choice, right? Making a choice does not mean disregarding a system
Just like you don’t ask an individual (at least I should think you
don’t), do you have a car? A bungalow? A pet dog? A Rolex watch? An M.
F. Hussain painting? Don’t ask do you have a child? They are all pretty
much a matter of choice and affordability.
At this point, I must apologise to some of you who might have been
upset by the points I have picked up. That definitely wasn’t my
intention. To me/us children have always been a matter of choice; the
likes of us don’t believe that we must condone a system if we didn’t
want to. My choice comes with huge responsibility
To me this world has lost its story; and I must say I don’t think
that this world deserves another new life, definitely not someone I will
be bringing up. So let’s go back to the matter of choice. We all have a
right to choose, like you choose to have a child, I choose not to have
one. And to be honest this choice too comes with a huge responsibility.
One day may be we will learn to respect that. Till then I live with
hope. About Suchismita:
If you have been raving about Sujoy Ghosh’s short film Ahalya then you should also know that Suchismita was the dress designer of the film. Not only that one she was the designer for Kahaani, and some of her designs were used in Parineeta. She was the winner of the Best Costume Award at Madrid International Film Festival 2013 for her work in the Bengali film Koyekti Meyer Galpo. Till date she was been the costume designer for more than two dozen films and one of the noted recent releases is Kadambari.
(Source: The Hindu 26 Aug 2015) http://www.thehindu.com/features/magazine/gouri-dange-on-being-childless-by-choice/article7565746.ece
Young, urban Indians are increasingly choosing not to have children.
The writer talks about why this does not raise eyebrows anymore.
In the early 90s, a whole bunch of labels cropped up — from yuppies (for
young, upwardly mobile professionals) and dinks (double income, no
kids) to dinkers (dinks with early retirement) and dewks (dually
employed with kids). But the people without children attracted a lot of
judgment — they were accused of being Peter Pans, selfish, anti-family,
career-obsessed, and so on.Those who had children did the judging, the
ones without children did the justifying. On the other side, books like Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids provocatively
talk about “taking the parent-centric, kid-fixated,
baby-bump-patrolling culture to task”. Ironically, both thought of the
other as selfish, shallow and self-absorbed.
The whole issue, particularly in the last decade or so, has emerged as a
much more nuanced and layered social phenomenon rather than just
another us-versus-them debate. Having children is increasingly being
seen and accepted as a personal choice and choosing to not have children
is not necessarily seen as odd or deviant behaviour.
Does this indicate that perhaps becoming a father or mother is not
necessarily hardwired into our DNA and our psyche, as we believe? Or is
it that changing social and family structures have impacted that
hardwiring? Perhaps the dissolution of the joint family, the village,
and the stable neighbourhood has forced some urban women to see how the
complete and total responsibility for child-bearing and rearing now
devolves only on them, in ways that they simply feel unequal to taking
on. “I could not see myself doing it single-handedly, nor can I relate
to a life where having a child means having either an entourage of maids
or have your life taken over by a helpful mother or mother-in-law,”
says Mrunal, a 37-year-old lawyer.
But the reasons for choosing not to have children, it emerges, are many.
Rarely is the ‘I hate children’ blanket statement, ascribed to the
childless-by-choice, a factor. In fact, many say that they love and
respect children too much to simply bash on and have one without
thinking. Anil, an academic in his 40s, says, “Quite early on, when I
was 15 or so, I began to register that lots of adults around me seemed
terribly unhappy with their spouses and their children. I heard so many
complaints about loss of personal freedom and choices… I couldn’t
understand why people put themselves through such hell if they felt this
way.” Anil did marry, but he and his partner chose not to have
children.
As did Pervin, a writer-editor in her early 30s. “I started really
thinking about parenthood in my early 20s. The first step was the
realisation that it was a choice, an option, not a default role or
milestone. After that, the decision to stay childless seemed very
natural and clear to me.”
***
Could this clarity of not wanting a child become a deal breaker if the
spouse or partner wants to have children? For some people, it is
something that they felt they must tell a partner upfront, as soon as
the dating got serious; and it did, in fact, become a deal breaker for
some. In the case of Azhar and Garima, 15 years into their marriage,
Azhar began to get a nagging feeling that not having a baby was not
quite the right decision and that he had been pushed into it by his
partner’s vehemence on the subject. They decided to part ways, and Azhar
went on to re-marry and have a child, late in life, to the criticism of
some of his close family and friends. He, however, seriously asks: “If a
woman wants to have children and her husband refuses, the whole world
feels bad for her and talks about never denying a woman motherhood, etc.
Is this not applicable to a man as well, who may feel a great urge for
fatherhood at some time?”
For Pervin and her husband, the issue was discussed on and off in their
dating years. “Having grown up with the standard assumption about the
education-marriage-children progression, my husband hadn’t considered
that parenthood was something that one might consciously stay away from.
The more we talked about it though, the more he leaned towards a future
without children.” Pervin clarifies, “My decision to not have children
has nothing to do with my equation with children —it is about my
equation with myself. In fact, instead of saying ‘I’ve decided not to
have children’, it would be more appropriate to say ‘I’ve decided not to
become a parent’.” Pervin works closely with children as a textbook
writer and conducts workshops with them.
For software engineer Pallavi, the issue was not discussed with any
seriousness when she was dating or in the early years of her marriage.
She says, however, “When we watch the exhausting and demanding aspects
of parenting our friends are going through, we say we just can’t put
ourselves through that. And that’s how it continues till date (over
eight years of marriage and over 10 since we got into a relationship).
Whether I had a career or not, I would think the same way. I understand
that people who are parents do still feel it is all worth it, and kudos
to them. It’s just that I can’t do it.”
***
Young women who choose not to have children are often asked sharply, “So
you think you want to just have fun forever. When will you grow up,
then?” But this takes away from the fact that surely, having children is
a different kind of fun too. Becoming a parent cannot be seen as a
‘grim reality’ to which we must all turn. But more than that, as Garima
adds, “When you don’t have children, does that mean you are not a person
who is dependable, and who commits to things? In fact, I do not have
the luxury of the ‘children have exams’ or ‘need to take my child for
coaching’ and similar excuses that I see parents putting up when they
are required for other things. I have been there for ageing parents, an
alcoholic brother’s family, and been present and willingly helpful in
many friends’ crises. Does this sound like I have signed up for a life
of fun and frolic by not having children?”
Madhavi, 61, is an architect and town-planner. She describes herself as
being in the vanguard of the childless-by-choice movement. “In those
days, it drew such sharp reactions. I remember being very defensive. If
someone asked me about children, I would snap at them ‘We chose not to
breed, and we are very happy, thank you, you can go ahead and have as
many as you want.’ After some years, it didn't matter to me to make my
position clear. Whether people thought you needed sympathy as you had
not conceived, or people assumed you were just too career-minded and had
‘deprived’ your spouse of progeny, I learnt not to enter into
protracted debate or clarifications.”
The surprising eye-opener for many such women is how their own mothers
and other older women in the family respond in private about their
decision to not have kids: “If I had had such an option, I don’t think I
would have had any children either.” This is said, not with bitterness,
but as a considered sentiment quietly confided.
One pro-parenting argument used to be that children would offer support
in old age. As families become more nuclear and scatter far and wide,
there is a growing realisation that this cannot be a deciding factor.
There are enough examples all around of benign neglect by grown children
of ageing parents, of active harassment, or of the sheer inability to
be there for ageing parents in any active and physically present way
that argues against thinking of children as a post-retirement plan. At
any rate, ageing urban Indians who have children are also now planning
how to live (physically, financially, emotionally) in their later years
with systems that are built without their children being compulsorily
involved.
At the end, though, do people who choose to remain childless have doubts
or regrets sometimes? How do they deal with it? Anil perhaps explains
this best when he says: “Sure, I have had regrets. But if I had
children, you can be sure I would regret why I didn’t try a life without
children. I regret the fact I can’t taste every kind of life there is
to taste. But there is just this one life, and one must follow one’s
instincts.”
The writer is a family counsellor and author of the upcoming book Always a Parent.
FOR urban middle class couples, having children is no longer a
must. Women are unwilling to carry the burden alone and find happiness
without the patter of little feet.
2015-10-03 , Issue 40 Volume 12
Everybody with a womb doesn’t have to have a child any more than everybody with vocal cords has to be an opera singer. — Gloria Steinem | American feminist activist
As A society, we usually function within set milestones, an already
charted timeline which we wait for to arrive, whether we are prepared
for the events to come or not. A middle class urban woman’s script would
read thus: college at 18, job at 22-24, marriage at 26-28 and then the
most awaited moment — motherhood. Society — indeed, the whole human race
— eagerly awaits this moment which will further our kind, while all
responsibility is automatically thrust on the mother. An issue which, in
an ideal world, should remain a personal choice is actually dictated by
social, ethical and religious constructs in our society. However, women
in urban India are increasingly exercising the choice to not have a
child. They are seeking to define themselves without treading on the
path of motherhood.
Often considered by conservatives to be the ill-suited side-effects
of Western culture and lifestyle, the choice of being childless is, as
comedian Radhika Vaz puts it, a part of the ‘social change’ that urban
India is experiencing with astounding rapidity. Radhika, whose standup
acts ‘Unladylike’ and ‘Older, Angrier, Hairier’ have flustered the
country, has chosen to not have children.
Purnima, a queer-feminist activist based in New Delhi
comments, “The decision of not having children liberates women as it
allows them to adapt with changing times and break free from
constraints.” Like Radhika, Purnima, also in her forties, chose not to
have children.
However, to reach the point where a woman can think and act
independently, economic freedom is a prerequisite. “Women are in a
position where they must be financially solvent in order to be able to
take the decision,” says Radhika.
Motherhood has been made out to be a responsibility naturally
expected of a woman. The burden of timeless eulogies on the mother
figure across history lies heavy on those who choose to steer clear of
the path of motherhood. “It takes a lot of courage and maturity to say
that I want to do something else with my time. Women have different
life-goals as opposed to formulaic standards such as motherhood which
are supposed to provide meaning to life,” says Radhika. “That is the
beauty of modern society; the ability to make choices on your own,” she
adds.
Both Radhika and Purnima emphasise on the kind of rounded
introspection it takes to make the choice. While Radhika holds, “The
choice was never between career and parenthood. Being a mother is a
standalone resolution,” Purnima has another perspective to offer. “I
understand the kind of responsibilities motherhood entails and I know my
career demands long hours and lots of travelling,” she says. “I may not
have been able to take the best care of my children if I had any. The
last thing I want is my child to grow up feeling alone, taken care of by
nannies,” she reflects.
Piyali Banerjee, a homemaker and part-time tutor in Delhi,
adds another perspective. Though her schedule is not too hectic, she
redefines motherhood by maintaining that her students are no less than
biological offspring. “I never felt the urge to have children of my own
since I already have my students,” she says. “Motherhood is a matter of
personal choice and not what is ‘naturally’ expected of women,” she
concludes.
Unfortunately in India, childlessness comes with the sad burden of
social stigma which is particularly bitter in rural areas. In a culture
that generally glorifies the institution of marriage and eventually
motherhood, a childless woman is considered ‘incomplete’. “‘Barren’
women are anomalies in patriarchal structures that want to pass on
family legacies through blood relations and transference of property,”
says Purnima, who has extensively worked on gender issues in the
hinterlands of Uttar Pradesh.
So, are the numbers of women going the childless way concentrated to
metropolises? Radhika argues that it is more of an “educated women”
phenomenon. Tayana Chatterjee, a professor of English literature in
Kolkata, attributes the more lenient social environment in cities to
“better standards of education, greater social awareness and the fact
that various avenues are open to women through which they can explore
themselves.” She points out, “In the past few years, with recession
making lives harder for everybody, many have judiciously decided to not
having children so as not to compromise with the quality of upbringing.”
Child care is still seen through a gender prism in India. Mothers are
automatically expected to make the sacrifices that go with bringing up
children. For the father, it is a secondary duty. “But women want to
play different roles and seek identities for themselves other than
motherhood,” explains Purnima.
However, societal reactions are pointedly hostile towards those who
take the leap. It is mostly the women instead of the husbands who have
to bear the brunt of discontent from family members and friends. “The
societal backlash is unrelenting and ruthless, however sophisticated be
its guise,” says Anu Rawat. “Several women in the initial phases lie
about being unable to conceive as an explanation for being childless.
They continue to grapple with this life-defining decision and
simultaneously try to break free from societal expectations,” she adds.
Anu maintains a blog ‘Child Free by Choice- India’, a platform for women
giving motherhood a miss to share their stories and interact. She
regularly receives hatemails for running the blog.
Where are the roots of such lopsided opinions? “Nobody asks a woman
if she wants to be a mother. But if you decide not to be one, you face a
barrage of questions from all fronts. All those who become mothers are
suddenly entitled to heap advice upon us who don’t,” says Radhika.
Yet the pressures of society can at times be the cause of unease for
women who choose the road less travelled. Purnima confesses that she
sometimes feels insecure when asked about her views on growing old
without children.
“One has to have an alternative to family structures in our country,”
she says. “Friends are the ones to support you throughout life.
Otherwise, the option that remains in old age is a senior living
facility,” she says.
However, the picture is not all bleak for Radhika. Advancing age is
no cause for her to lose her sense of self-sufficiency and wallow in the
regret of having nobody to look after her.
To sum up the complexity of the situation, we are reminded of Urvashi Butalia who ends her essay in Of Mothers and Others: Stories, Essays, Poems with the lines:
“So what do we have in the end? The ‘naturalness’ of motherhood? The
‘curse’ of childlessness? The dread of barrenness? A life filled with
lack, with loss of what might have been? Or just another way of living? A
choice, happenstance, circumstance, call it what you like, but for me,
it’s a happy, contented, fulfilled life, despite — or perhaps because of
— being what is called ‘childless’.”
I could have an
emotion but I might not want to feel it.
I might seek a path
that has no destination,
I might want to live
a life that has no obligation.
I have been writing itsy bitsy
articles about the repercussions of resting all the rights (or not)of bearing a child with the woman. I never
found it more compelling to be vocal about this, before I read a paparazzi
article about Rick Salomon accusing his partner and popular celebrity Pamela
Anderson to have undergone abortions without knowledge of her partners. Truth
to this allegation seems to be slim as it comes as a backlash after her
restraining order against him. However it has reignited the age-old issue –
what is the purview of right of a man to father a child?
This question is becoming more
and more overt as women are becoming self aware and career oriented. Even in
developing South Asian countries like India, there is rise in women deciding to
stay childfree at least in metropolitan demographics. Recently an Indian girl,
Indhuja made a website for her matrimonial alliance in which she has bluntly
stated her choice of staying child free. The webpage went viral and even
garnered positive response. And very recently a video filmed by Homi Adjania
for Vogue Empower, featuring Indian actress Deepika Padukone asserts that it is
a woman’s choice to bear a child or not. The keyword is ‘choice’. It is not a
moral or biological obligation anymore and her partner should let her have a
say in this.
Ideally bearing a child should be
a couple’s decision but in a situation where woman has conceived and doesn’t
want to carry it, while her partner wants to father the child, what should be
the stance of the woman or the man? It is a paradoxical situation where
religious, societal and ethical values govern individual decisions. The woman
may argue that it is her body, which has to nurture the fetus and feed the
infant. She has to undergo all the physical and emotional changes. The man may
argue that nature waiving off all the physical responsibility of bearing a
child from him, should not mean that he is the lesser parent. He also undergoes
emotional changes and can equally share the responsibility of raising an infant.
Since women have a womb and men don’t, it is relatively easy to be biased
towards women though it is not fully just.
Staying child free must not be an
individual decision. And abortion certainly should not be one. Since conceiving
a child requires both the partners, the choice of opting out bringing forth a
progeny should also be their mutual decision. The ideal scenario would be to
arrive at an understanding at the very beginning of the relationship, but
should conflict arise later, the resolution should be arrived at jointly by
bothstakeholders. It is however
debatable whether religion and/or society are stakeholders or not.
It could not emphasized more that
it is time that the choice of a woman to not bear a child should be respected
and childless couples should not be biased against in society. The human
society as a whole is becoming more accommodative of alternate choices and this
howcivilizations thrive.
