Indian women who are choosing to be child-free by Divya Arya.

Source: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-25396743

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An increasing number of Indian women are choosing not to have children in a country where motherhood is revered, reports BBC Hindi's Divya Arya.

Anjana Kumar has been married for more than nine years years now and does not have a child.
But that hasn't deterred her parents from giving her traditional herbs "to help her conceive" because they still cannot believe her decision to remain childless.
Ms Kumar, 37, does not feel that the absence of a child has made her an incomplete woman.
"Frankly, I think motherhood is overrated. It may be joyous, but it's also a big long-term responsibility that I could never prepare myself for," she says.
Ms Kumar is among a growing number of women who are choosing not to have children in the world's second most populous country where motherhood is glorified in society, literature and films.
An Indian scholar once wrote that the "apotheosis of motherhood has reached a greater height in India than anywhere else".
Opting out is not easy for women in a country which, in 2011, had a total fertility rate of 2.5, only slightly higher than the replacement rate. It is also a country where more than 200 mothers also die out of every 100,000 live births ever year, and an infant accounts for every sixth death.

'Barren woman?'

Leading feminist-writer Urvashi Butalia, who is single, examined the dilemma of an Indian woman who opts out of motherhood in a searing essay earlier this year.
"How often have we heard that a couple is childless, that a woman who cannot bear a child is defined as barren. Why should this be? I did not make a choice not to have children, but that's how my life panned out.
"I don't feel a sense of loss at this, my life has been fulfilling in so many other ways. Why should I have to define it in terms of a lack? Am I a barren woman? I can't square this with what I know of myself."

Image caption Preet Rustagi says she opted out of motherhood because her schedules left her with little time to look after a child

But as Anurag Bishnoi, who runs a fertility clinic in northern India, says, "women earn respect in India by fulfilling two responsibilities - bearing children and feeding the family".
He says there has been a 30-40% increase in couples aged above 45 seeking fertility treatment at his clinic since it began in 2000.
"The desire to have one's own child is paramount and overrides everything else despite the high risks associated with late births induced through fertility treatment," he says.
So how do women like Anjana Kumar create space for themselves in a society which values motherhood so much?
She was born and brought up in a small city in the eastern state of Jharkhand. But studying and working in the cosmopolitan Indian capital, Delhi, changed everything.
"Now I am in charge of my life. I live it on my terms, and that doesn't include motherhood. And I know the decision to become a mother will change a lot of things," she says.
"I will have to quit my job, will have to curtail my travel and will probably have very little time for myself."
But such utterances can often invite ridicule and she is often described as "irresponsible".

'Judgemental'

"People get so judgmental. I take care of my parents, my career and my house. Whenever there is a crisis, I don't turn to my brother, I behave like an equal and figure things out myself. So, how can I be called irresponsible only for not wanting a child's responsibility?" she asks.
Preet Rustagi, a Delhi-based researcher with the Institute of Human Development, believes that she is being a "very responsible" woman by opting out of motherhood.
"People don't think before deciding to have children, about the kind of childhood they can provide, about how much time they can spend with the child, increasingly they just rely on helpers and maid servants to bring up their children."
Ms Rustagi, 46, says she and her economist husband were never in a situation to give a fulfilling childhood to their child, and hence decided to not have one.
"We didn't want the child to be lonely. And it wasn't like we were completely bereft of the joy of parenting. A lot of our friends are working couples like us and their children have lived with us enough for us to have a special bond with them."

Image caption Janaki Abraham adopted a two-year-old girl after eight years of marriage

Janaki Abraham, 47, married eight years ago and decided to not have a biological child. In August, she adopted a two-year-old baby girl.
A teacher of sociology at Delhi University, she says not having a biological child was a conscious decision.
"I never wanted a gun to my head in terms of missing the biological age for having a child. I wanted to have the choice to wait till I felt confident financially and professionally to raise a child."
Ms Abraham says she really likes the idea of giving a home to children who are orphaned.
"Even when I was single, I wanted to adopt, I never wanted to experience motherhood in terms of giving birth but always looked forward to the idea of watching a child grow."

'Happy with choice'

Amrita Nandy, an academic researching motherhood and choice, believes that girls in India are brought up to look up to marriage and motherhood as the big inevitable goal in life.
"Most women who decide to remain childless tend to be highly educated, urban, English-speaking professionals," she says.
Over the last three years, she has interviewed more than 50 women in Delhi who have opted out of the motherhood, and met many more.
"Traditionally, motherhood is considered to be the most fulfilling aspect of a woman's life, but class and education opens up horizons for women to see that there are many more ways of finding meaning and purpose in life."
Ms Nandy said that most women she spoke to had faced some sort of stigma or barbed comments from friends, family and acquaintances for their decision.
But the fact that they had been able to exercise that choice was because some support existed in their immediate social circle.
"Interestingly, all the women I met were happy with the choice they had made."
"They look back and tell me that their lives are more enriched, dynamic and fulfilling and that given a second chance, they will not live them any other way."

Here’s Why More And More Married Indian Women Are Choosing To Remain Child-Free by Manimanjari Sengupta

( source : http://www.scoopwhoop.com/Heres-Why-More-And-More-Married-Indian-Women-Are-Choosing-To-Remain-ChildFree/) Jan 07, 2016 at 22:09

The Indian society is one that is intricately woven with threads of traditions, values and culture. A culture that is impregnated with the notion of the 'ideal family'. A culture that reveres, and glorifies motherhood. 

For a majority of the female population in our country, the Indian dream amounts to finding the perfect life partner, making babies and looking after them. In India, for the longest time, a woman's worth has for the most part been determined in terms of her home-making skills and her ability to bear a heir to the family she is married into. 

Source: tumblr

The Indian society deems that motherhood is a woman's destiny, the only way a woman's being can be rendered whole.

We women have thrived in the inherently patriarchal setup for decades now, fitting into the mould of the ideal bharatiya naari. Of course, there is no denying the fulfilment that comes along with being a mother, building a beautiful, functional family. But as more and more women are becoming financially independent, with the onset of the modern-traditional dichotomy, a large number of women are breaking out from the status quo. 

Married Indian women, in harmony with their partners, are making the informed, well thought out decision of opting out of motherhood. 

Source: a.dilcdn.com

Being child-free is a reality for married women in India today, and the reasons cited for this seemingly drastic measure within the Indian setup are indicators of an empowered mindset.

Child Free by Choice India is a blog that chronicles the accounts of Indians who choose to remain childless, connecting people with similar experiences, and initiating discussions on a variety of topics like "being pro-choice, the social stigma, fear of old age and even loneliness". It is a refreshing, emancipating movement that has been brewing in the nation. 

Featured on the blog is Indrani Mukherjee's account (originally published in Tehelka Magazine), where she says "For urban middle class couples, having children is no longer a must. Women are unwilling to carry the burden alone and find happiness without the patter of little feet."

Amidst the stigma, shame and raised eyebrows that this decision to remain childless draws, urban women cite a variety of reasons to steer clear of motherhood. And considering motherhood to be a hindrance of one's career is not the central reason that triggers this resolution.

Source: gulfnews

In a report published by The Hindustan Times, social scientist Amrita Nandy, who wrote a paper titled Outliers of Motherhood, broke down some of the reasons cited by women to remain childless. “Most were driven by concerns about the ecology and cultural environment, put off by high levels of pollution, consumption, materialism and crime. They all wondered why they should bring another human into this mess”, she says.

In the same report, family counsellor Gauri Dange was quoted to say “As we move towards a more individualistic society, with more nuclear families, the decision to have children is no longer made by the extended family, but by the couple. In the past few years, what it takes to raise a child has been defined,and there are enough women who just don’t want to do it.”

Source: jamiesparrothelp

“To my mind, motherhood feels like a form of bondage, in that there is so much responsibility, guilt and emotion that you are in danger of losing your logical self,” says Mumbai based marketing executive Nandita Mahadevia. 

“I want the freedom to work on myself,” she adds. “I used to sing as a child, and I would like to pursue formal vocal training. I want to learn new things, pursue a PhD in mythology, maybe eventually teach it someday. Knowing me, every time I had to give a passion up for a child, I would probably end up resenting him or her.”

What needs to be realized is the fact that these women have taken charge of their own lives, defining their own purpose and setting their own standards of fulfilment, without blindly conforming to what society deems appropriate.

Another crucial factor that comes into play when it comes to bearing a child is that it needs to be a well thought out decision. Speaking to Amrita Mukherjee for her blog AmritaSpeaks, Suchismita Dasgupta, a Calcutta-based costume designer highlighted an inherent problem associated with bearing children that modern millennial couples often face.

"Everyone should have a reason to have a child. A child should not just ‘happen’ to you because that’s the way you have known things to ‘happen’. Some of my friends and acquaintances have given birth to a ‘bandaid’ child; they gave birth because they think the child will save their relationship", she says.

Source: myfertilitychoices.com

It is time we widen our horizons and appreciate the fact that women have the right to exercise their choice of not having children. 

If a couple mutually decide against having kids, or a single woman chooses to opt out of motherhood, instead of writing them off as anomalies, it is pertinent we understand that motherhood is not the only means of deriving gratification in life as a woman.

In closing, Urvashi Buthalia's words as they appeared in liveMint resonate the truth of what it feels like to choose to be a child-free modern Indian woman:

"So what do we have in the end? The ‘naturalness’ of motherhood? The ‘curse’ of childlessness? A life filled with lack, with loss of what might have been? Or just another way of living?", she asks.

Source: arive.gr

For these women, living their own life, without being responsible for another, is an active choice on their part to live a fulfilled life, a life of contentment, despite - or perhaps because of - being what is called ‘childless’

Going child-free: Indian women opting for lives without kids by Pankti Mehta Kadakia

( Source: Hindustan Times, New Delhi)

http://www.hindustantimes.com/sex-and-relationships/going-child-free-indian-women-opting-for-lives-without-kids/story-PJE5tsbuOhGyBEfpLjyjfI.html

They call it ‘child-free’, actually. A growing number of women are opting for lives without children, despite opposition from parents and in-laws, because they want to focus on work, travel and pursuing their passions.

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“To my mind, motherhood feels like a form of bondage, in that there is so much responsibility, guilt and emotion that you are in danger of losing your logical self.” Nandita Mahadevia, 28, Mumbai-based marketing professional.
“I don’t believe you have to bear a child to give it a mother’s love. We have so many nephews and nieces around that we don’t miss having a child of our own.” Manjuri Hazarika, 37, Delhi-based e-entrepreneur.
In India, where having a child has not traditionally been a matter of choice, there’s a growing number of women agreeing with Nandita and Manjuri. And, as Amrita Nandy has found, protecting their careers is often last on the women’s lists of reasons for staying childless.
Nandy, a social scientist and former Fox International Fellow at Yale University, wrote a 2013 paper titled ‘Outliers of Motherhood’, about being childfree in India. She is now in the final stages of a book on the subject. “I have spoken to scores of women, and many think of it more as being ‘childfree’ — or free to not have children,” says Nandy. “Most were driven by concerns about the ecology and cultural environment, put off by high levels of pollution, consumption, materialism and crime. They all wondered why they should bring another human into this mess.”
To varying degrees, there is still shame, stigma, awkwardness or silence around the issue of remaining child-free, Nandy says.“But as we move towards a more individualistic society, with more nuclear families, the decision to have children is no longer made by the extended family, but by the couple,” family counsellor Gouri Dange adds.
“In the past few years, what it takes to raise a child has been defined,” she adds, “and there are enough women who just don’t want to do it.”
Bangalore
In February, the matrimonial profile of Indhuja, a Bangalore-based interaction designer and self-professed ‘tomboy’, went viral. “My parents, concerned that I was ‘still’ unmarried, created a politically correct profile on a matrimonial site. Ticked off, I created a website of my own with the real details,” says the 24-year-old, who goes by only one name.

Indhuja Pillai, an app developer with a passion for biking, who has made a matrimonial website saying she is looking for a man who does not want children either. (Photography by Sathish V/ Hindustan Times)

‘…NOT a womanly woman… Won’t grow long hair, ever. Looking for: A man, preferably bearded, who is passionate about seeing the world. Someone who earns for himself and does NOT hate his job… NOT a family guy…’ her posting went. It has had 7.5 lakh views so far and Indhuja has meanwhile broken it to her parents that while she might marry, she will definitely not be giving them any grandchildren.
“I love biking long-distance, and I don’t want to be tied down by having a child to stay home for. I need to be able to take off for weeks, not knowing when I will come back,” she says. “If I did have a child, it wouldn’t be raised the way it was meant to be, and I don’t want that either.”
Indhuja laughingly adds that her parents, for the most part, understand and support her. “They keep asking if I’ve got any interesting suitors from the website and I tell them that if nothing works out, I can always marry my true love — my bike.”
Incidentally, the website has brought her 200 suitors but none exceptional enough to make her break her rule about not meeting guys online.
Kolkata
Suchismita Dasgupta, 41, is a busy costume designer who loves to travel. “I move around a lot for work, and I enjoy it. I also take at least two holidays a year — one of them at least a month long,” she says. “I socialise a lot, meeting friends for beers after work nearly every day, as I wait for my husband to get home.”

Costume designer Suchismita Dasgupta at her Kolkata office on December 30, 2015. (Photo by Samir Jana/ Hindustan Times)

Dasgupta and her husband have been married eight years and been together for ten, and through that time have periodically revisited their discussions about not having children. “It’s a decision we’ve never regretted,” Suchismita says.
They married relatively late — she was 33, he was 39 — so most of their friends and cousins had already had kids, and Suchismita says seeing the sacrifices involved in parenting cemented their decision. “I’ve always loved kids. I’m a favourite aunt. But I don’t fancy the idea of putting my life on hold,” Suchismita says. “Right now I can decide to pack my bags and go away for the weekend, or unwind after a hard day’s work with friends, without having to worry about school, homework or exams; without feeling guilty about doing what I want for myself.”
For the couple, another factor was the rising incidence of crimes against children. “I can’t imagine having to worry all the time that your children might not come home safe,” she says. “In its current form, the world doesn’t feel like a safe place for children.”
Mumbai
Marketing executive Nandita Mahadevia, 28, had always wondered whether she was cut out for motherhood. In early 2015 she married her boyfriend of two years, 32-year-old businessman Aditya, and the idea that she might become a mother suddenly became very real. Too real, she says.

Nandita pose in Andheri, Mumbai. (Photo by Satish Bate/ Hindustan Times)

That’s when she decided to admit to herself, her husband and her parents that it was just not something she wanted. “To my mind, motherhood feels like a form of bondage, in that there is so much responsibility, guilt and emotion that you are in danger of losing your logical self,” she says.
Mahadevia adds that she wouldn’t want to outsource parenting to grandparents. “And I want the freedom to work on myself,” she adds. “I used to sing as a child, and I would like to pursue formal vocal training. I want to learn new things, pursue a PhD in mythology, maybe eventually teach it someday. Knowing me, every time I had to give a passion up for a child, I would probably end up resenting him or her.”
It hasn’t been easy convincing her husband, she admits, but she managed by adding to her own arguments the one that the world is too complicated and dangerous — with its terrorism, sexual crimes and environmental messes — to bring a new life into.
“What really tipped the scales for Aditya was that photo in September of the dead Syrian refugee child washed ashore in Turkey,” she says. “We still haven’t discussed the subject with his parents, and my parents keep trying to coax me to change my mind. But I am clear that I don’t want kids. And my husband now says he cannot imagine bringing a new life into a world like this.”
Delhi
Two years ago, we were almost bankrupt,” says Manjuri Hazarika, 37, who runs an e-commerce portal in Delhi and married a marketing manager three years ago. “We married late, and we were both still struggling with our careers. The decision to not have children has, for us, been a practical and joint one.”
Most of Manjuri’s relatives and friends are well-settled. She worries that if they had a child, the little one would not have the privileges that other children in their circle do. “We have so many nieces and nephews that we do not miss having children,” she adds. “Also, my work, with a company that is still at the fledgling stage, needs almost as much patience as raising a baby would. Eventually, we plan to sponsor the education of underprivileged children so as to do our bit — but we definitely don’t want to have any of our own.”
While Manjuri’s parents are deceased, her in-laws are not too happy with the decision. “They don’t like the idea, so we don’t discuss it. There’s always been a communication gap with them, because we are from different cultures and schools of thought,” she says. “I may not be able to explain the reasons to them, but I make my own decisions, and have a husband who supports me. My husband and I have faced many hardships together, so we can handle the pressure.”

“Why I choose to be childfree” – Suchismita Dasgupta

( Source https://amritaspeaks.com/tag/indian-woman-childfree-by-choice/ ) Posted: August 17, 2015


“… I think that childfree by choice is the new gay. We’re the new disenfranchised group. People think we’re irresponsible, immoral sluts and that our lifestyle is up for debate.”

Suchismita Dasgupta wrote this on her Facebook wall a few days back. I was not surprised though. She is someone who has always spoken her mind and not always done exactly what society expected her to do. That is why Suchismita, though happily married, has decided not to be a mother.
In this post Suchismita, in her inimitable bold style, has penned her thoughts on being childfree in Indian society:
What’s a good reason to have a child?
Yes, it’s a bit tiring! I got married at 33 and have been hearing since I was 23 when am I going to get married? Then around 30, if I don’t get married now then when will I have kids? Then 7 years after getting married, I am still told ‘but you will make such a wonderful mother’ or ‘you will miss them when you are older’ or ‘it is so selfish not to have a child’ or ‘who will look after you when you are old?’. It has always made me wonder are these reasons good enough to have a child when you and your partner do not want one?
My masseuse came today for the first time. Yes I am 41 and till now didn’t think massage was important. Anyway coming back to the point, she asked me my age etc. and then children? When I replied that I don’t have any her next question was ‘naoni na hoyni’, literally translated it means, you haven’t taken one or it didn’t happen???!!!
How can a child just “happen”?
I find this word ‘happen’ extremely infuriating. In India everything seems to be happening to you. Marriage happens to you, child happens to you, misfortune happens to you and the list is endless. As if we are a bunch of reproduction machines, programmed to get married, consummate the same and reproduce. If you have not done any of them, then you are an irresponsible person bringing shame to the family.
Am I supposed to feel guilty for not having a maternal instinct?
I once had a conversation with a woman; she and her husband adopted a girl when she was about 40. This was soon after our marriage and she took it upon herself to tell me how important having children was. When I told her that I love children as long as they go back to someone else’s home, she said I was plain selfish, someone who doesn’t like children is not worth talking to. Now that suited me fine, I really didn’t care but it made me wonder how patriarchal and institutionalised this whole thought process was. I am sure there would be many (in my shoes) who would have felt guilty after this conversation for not having a lot of maternal instinct.

Suchismita wearing her own design

It’s a well-thought out decision made by two people
In seven and a half years of marriage my husband and I both asked each other many times if the other really wanted a child and was not saying that because of the decision we took jointly and each time after a lot of discussion and deliberation the answer has remained the same. I still think to myself sometimes what if? But then I realise I am too settled in my life as it is right now; there’s no reason why I should change it! It might be for better or for worse but since I do not feel the urge to change it, I won’t do it and I don’t think I owe this to anyone either.
I think there should be a reason to have a child
Everyone should have a reason to have a child. A child should not just ‘happen’ to you because that’s the way you have known things to ‘happen’. Some of my friends and acquaintances have given birth to a ‘bandaid’ child; they gave birth because they think the child will save their relationship.
I feel instant pity for the poor child and the baggage it is born with. Added to this will be the pressure to perform and cope with the constant competition between the parents for attention.
A child is not born to fulfill dreams
Many parents want to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams through their children. I know someone who tells his two-year-old daughter that she has to become a doctor. I see parents treating their children like a talking doll. You go to their place, they call their children and ask them to show all the skills they have acquired. Who cares if the child hates to perform in front of strangers.
I am a doting aunt but can’t do this full time
I as an individual have no such personal crisis or future plans, in fact, I have no maternal instinct either (yeah go on call me a slut) and to be absolutely honest, I feel extremely settled and comfortable in the current state of being and I somehow don’t want to disturb that. My sudden motherhood rushes (like chocolate rush) are fulfilled by my absolute gorgeous nieces and nephews with whom I have a mutual adoration club. In fact, being a favourite aunt to many for the last 16 years, I realised, I cannot do it full time. So whilst being an aunt absolutely suits me, being a mother definitely doesn’t.
Why can’t a woman challenge social norms?
Our upbringing leads us to believe that women are the reproduction agents, who “must” look after children, home etc. We have enough books, films, television to support and coax you into that system. However the time has changed, we don’t think in terms of man and woman as genders anymore. It’s also about time we treat each other as individuals. I (a woman) as an individual may not want to give birth/adopt, breast feed/look after feeding, be woken up in the middle of night, or wake up the child in the morning to take to school. My choice, right?
Making a choice does not mean disregarding a system
Just like you don’t ask an individual (at least I should think you don’t), do you have a car? A bungalow? A pet dog? A Rolex watch? An M. F. Hussain painting? Don’t ask do you have a child? They are all pretty much a matter of choice and affordability.
At this point, I must apologise to some of you who might have been upset by the points I have picked up. That definitely wasn’t my intention. To me/us children have always been a matter of choice; the likes of us don’t believe that we must condone a system if we didn’t want to.
My choice comes with huge responsibility
To me this world has lost its story; and I must say I don’t think that this world deserves another new life, definitely not someone I will be bringing up. So let’s go back to the matter of choice. We all have a right to choose, like you choose to have a child, I choose not to have one. And to be honest this choice too comes with a huge responsibility. One day may be we will learn to respect that. Till then I live with hope.
About Suchismita:
If you have been raving about Sujoy Ghosh’s short film Ahalya then you should also know that Suchismita was the dress designer of the film. Not only that one she was the designer for Kahaani, and some of her designs were used in Parineeta. She was the winner of the Best Costume Award at Madrid International Film Festival 2013 for her work in the Bengali film Koyekti Meyer Galpo. Till date she was been the costume designer for more than two dozen films and one of the noted recent releases is Kadambari.

Footloose and fancy-free By Gauri Dange

(Source: The Hindu 26 Aug 2015) http://www.thehindu.com/features/magazine/gouri-dange-on-being-childless-by-choice/article7565746.ece

Young, urban Indians are increasingly choosing not to have children. The writer talks about why this does not raise eyebrows anymore.

In the early 90s, a whole bunch of labels cropped up — from yuppies (for young, upwardly mobile professionals) and dinks (double income, no kids) to dinkers (dinks with early retirement) and dewks (dually employed with kids). But the people without children attracted a lot of judgment — they were accused of being Peter Pans, selfish, anti-family, career-obsessed, and so on.Those who had children did the judging, the ones without children did the justifying. On the other side, books like Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids provocatively talk about “taking the parent-centric, kid-fixated, baby-bump-patrolling culture to task”. Ironically, both thought of the other as selfish, shallow and self-absorbed.

The whole issue, particularly in the last decade or so, has emerged as a much more nuanced and layered social phenomenon rather than just another us-versus-them debate. Having children is increasingly being seen and accepted as a personal choice and choosing to not have children is not necessarily seen as odd or deviant behaviour.

Does this indicate that perhaps becoming a father or mother is not necessarily hardwired into our DNA and our psyche, as we believe? Or is it that changing social and family structures have impacted that hardwiring? Perhaps the dissolution of the joint family, the village, and the stable neighbourhood has forced some urban women to see how the complete and total responsibility for child-bearing and rearing now devolves only on them, in ways that they simply feel unequal to taking on. “I could not see myself doing it single-handedly, nor can I relate to a life where having a child means having either an entourage of maids or have your life taken over by a helpful mother or mother-in-law,” says Mrunal, a 37-year-old lawyer.

But the reasons for choosing not to have children, it emerges, are many. Rarely is the ‘I hate children’ blanket statement, ascribed to the childless-by-choice, a factor. In fact, many say that they love and respect children too much to simply bash on and have one without thinking. Anil, an academic in his 40s, says, “Quite early on, when I was 15 or so, I began to register that lots of adults around me seemed terribly unhappy with their spouses and their children. I heard so many complaints about loss of personal freedom and choices… I couldn’t understand why people put themselves through such hell if they felt this way.” Anil did marry, but he and his partner chose not to have children.

As did Pervin, a writer-editor in her early 30s. “I started really thinking about parenthood in my early 20s. The first step was the realisation that it was a choice, an option, not a default role or milestone. After that, the decision to stay childless seemed very natural and clear to me.”

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Could this clarity of not wanting a child become a deal breaker if the spouse or partner wants to have children? For some people, it is something that they felt they must tell a partner upfront, as soon as the dating got serious; and it did, in fact, become a deal breaker for some. In the case of Azhar and Garima, 15 years into their marriage, Azhar began to get a nagging feeling that not having a baby was not quite the right decision and that he had been pushed into it by his partner’s vehemence on the subject. They decided to part ways, and Azhar went on to re-marry and have a child, late in life, to the criticism of some of his close family and friends. He, however, seriously asks: “If a woman wants to have children and her husband refuses, the whole world feels bad for her and talks about never denying a woman motherhood, etc. Is this not applicable to a man as well, who may feel a great urge for fatherhood at some time?”

For Pervin and her husband, the issue was discussed on and off in their dating years. “Having grown up with the standard assumption about the education-marriage-children progression, my husband hadn’t considered that parenthood was something that one might consciously stay away from. The more we talked about it though, the more he leaned towards a future without children.” Pervin clarifies, “My decision to not have children has nothing to do with my equation with children —it is about my equation with myself. In fact, instead of saying ‘I’ve decided not to have children’, it would be more appropriate to say ‘I’ve decided not to become a parent’.” Pervin works closely with children as a textbook writer and conducts workshops with them.

For software engineer Pallavi, the issue was not discussed with any seriousness when she was dating or in the early years of her marriage. She says, however, “When we watch the exhausting and demanding aspects of parenting our friends are going through, we say we just can’t put ourselves through that. And that’s how it continues till date (over eight years of marriage and over 10 since we got into a relationship). Whether I had a career or not, I would think the same way. I understand that people who are parents do still feel it is all worth it, and kudos to them. It’s just that I can’t do it.”

***

Young women who choose not to have children are often asked sharply, “So you think you want to just have fun forever. When will you grow up, then?” But this takes away from the fact that surely, having children is a different kind of fun too. Becoming a parent cannot be seen as a ‘grim reality’ to which we must all turn. But more than that, as Garima adds, “When you don’t have children, does that mean you are not a person who is dependable, and who commits to things? In fact, I do not have the luxury of the ‘children have exams’ or ‘need to take my child for coaching’ and similar excuses that I see parents putting up when they are required for other things. I have been there for ageing parents, an alcoholic brother’s family, and been present and willingly helpful in many friends’ crises. Does this sound like I have signed up for a life of fun and frolic by not having children?”

Madhavi, 61, is an architect and town-planner. She describes herself as being in the vanguard of the childless-by-choice movement. “In those days, it drew such sharp reactions. I remember being very defensive. If someone asked me about children, I would snap at them ‘We chose not to breed, and we are very happy, thank you, you can go ahead and have as many as you want.’ After some years, it didn't matter to me to make my position clear. Whether people thought you needed sympathy as you had not conceived, or people assumed you were just too career-minded and had ‘deprived’ your spouse of progeny, I learnt not to enter into protracted debate or clarifications.”

The surprising eye-opener for many such women is how their own mothers and other older women in the family respond in private about their decision to not have kids: “If I had had such an option, I don’t think I would have had any children either.” This is said, not with bitterness, but as a considered sentiment quietly confided.

One pro-parenting argument used to be that children would offer support in old age. As families become more nuclear and scatter far and wide, there is a growing realisation that this cannot be a deciding factor. There are enough examples all around of benign neglect by grown children of ageing parents, of active harassment, or of the sheer inability to be there for ageing parents in any active and physically present way that argues against thinking of children as a post-retirement plan. At any rate, ageing urban Indians who have children are also now planning how to live (physically, financially, emotionally) in their later years with systems that are built without their children being compulsorily involved.

At the end, though, do people who choose to remain childless have doubts or regrets sometimes? How do they deal with it? Anil perhaps explains this best when he says: “Sure, I have had regrets. But if I had children, you can be sure I would regret why I didn’t try a life without children. I regret the fact I can’t taste every kind of life there is to taste. But there is just this one life, and one must follow one’s instincts.”

The writer is a family counsellor and author of the upcoming book Always a Parent.

Childless by Divine Protection! By Kim Menier

Hi everyone!

Anu asked me if I would consider writing on this blog about my own experience as a childless

person. I’m no expert, but I hope that my story might be helpful to some of you who might be thinking

about the possibility of a childless future. While I call myself “childless by choice”, I should be honest

and tell you that I am childless by circumstance/ divine protection and thankful, after-the-fact, that

things worked out this way.

I grew up in a middle class home in the US, primarily raised by a single mother who had never

completed her college degree. I was raised a Catholic and attended Catholic schools but have never

really had an affinity for organized religion. My parents had a bitter divorce, and my mother was

overwhelmed by and unprepared for the task of raising children by herself. I assumed many of the

duties of taking care of my younger siblings (I am the oldest of four) when I was 11 because I wanted to

help, and I somehow knew that my mother was not up to the task. We were tight on money, and I spent

many hours listening to my mother’s problems and often dire concerns about our future. While I didn’t

dislike the role, I wanted to be like other kids my age, and that I wanted a different life when the time

came to go out on my own. No childhood is perfect, but mine seemed to be several standard deviations

from perfect, at least in my mind.

By the time I was in high school, I knew that my “way out” was through education, and I put my energy

towards getting into a good college. I was fortunate; I was offered admittance to a prestigious university

in a different state along with a full academic scholarship, and I accepted. Before I left for school, my

mother and I had a conversation about the future. She told me that I didn’t have to have children. She

also told me that if she had the opportunity to do things over again, she wouldn’t have kids. This was not

meant to be cruel, but rather as a “truth”. In retrospect, I think she realized that she was not properly

prepared for parenthood, and that she had not done a very good job at it. My father was largely absent

from my childhood, but he apparently felt the same way. While visiting him on one occasion, he let slip

that our visit had interfered with his plans for the weekend, but it wasn’t the first time. He went on to

say that I personally had dashed his plans of attending medical school when my mother became

pregnant unexpectedly. The arrival of my siblings had sealed his fate.

After graduation from college, I started into my career, eventually went to graduate school, and for the

most part, did not think about marriage or family. My focus was first on survival. I had no idea if I could

make it on my own, let alone think about caring for children. I also didn’t seem to have that loudly

ticking “biological clock” that my friends talked about, and when I dated, I didn’t think about whether

the guy was good “father material” or not as they did. I was completely absorbed in my career, making

something of myself, being in control of my destiny, and frankly, in enjoying myself for the first time in

my life.

When I was 29, I married a guy that I considered my equal. By then I had established myself as a working

anthropologist with a good understanding of consumer insights and a good reputation. I had moved to

New York and was working as an account planner at a major advertising agency. My husband was a

rising star at a major music label, and things looked bright. We had talked about having children when

we were dating, but it was never a major topic of discussion. We both liked kids, but it was clearly

something we would do “later”. After we married, he began to ease up in his work schedule to the point

that I worried it would affect his employment. It did, and he lost his job. He looked for another job, but

quickly became discouraged. Since I was working, there was no pressure to start working again.  In an

attempt to motivate him, I arranged to take a job in Los Angeles in hopes that the change in scenery

would help him find another job in his industry. Over the next seven years, he was unable to find stable

employment and became more and more dependent upon me. During that time, I had two miscarriages,

both of which I was sad for, but also secretly relieved about due to “timing”. The marriage began to

unravel, and we discussed our options. We decided that, if we were going to stay married and have kids,

we needed a fresh start.

I took a job north of New York City, thinking that my husband being “home” again would inspire him to

get back to work, and that living outside a big city would be a good family atmosphere. A few months

after returning to New York, we experienced the 9/11 attacks. A month later, I found out completely by

accident that my husband was having an affair with a woman in Los Angeles. Oddly, it was a relief.

Because the economy had largely come to a standstill in the weeks following 9/11, I had a good deal of

time to think about things. Ruminating over my criteria for having a child, I realized that I met the most

important criteria for parenthood: I was emotionally stable and financially capable of taking care of

children. I didn’t have the solid relationship I wanted, but I didn’t need it. I was relieved that I did not

have children with this man because I no longer wanted him in my life. But even more importantly, I

realized that had I really wanted kids, the aforementioned criteria wouldn’t have mattered. I would have

found a “work around”.   I was in my mid-thirties, the time women begin to believe they are in the home

stretch of their childbearing years, and I felt no remorse or anxiety about being childless. For me,

parenthood was not the greatest of all life experiences, but rather “checking the box”. Circumstances

had not been working against me; somehow, the universe was looking out for me. I felt relief.

Some people believe that being childless is a selfish act. Furthermore, some individuals believe that our

only true responsibility in life is to bear children. I even had a scientist tell me that, as a woman, I was no

longer biologically relevant after 40 because my ability to bear children is, for the most part, gone. I

disagree.

I love kids. I also love it when they go home! Being a parent, in my opinion, is a full-time job - if you want

a crack at success. Raising children is the most important undertaking that an individual will experience,

because the result cannot be written off as a bad debt, a failed marketing effort, business bankruptcy or

otherwise. It’s serious shit. I had experience raising kids when I was a kid. Maybe that’s why

motherhood did not call out loudly to me. What did call out loudly and strongly was to make a success

of myself in a different way - through my career.

Today, I run a successful software company that would not have been possible if I was trying to juggle

family and career. Admittedly, I’m not a very successful multitasker! In this role, I provide the means by

which a number of people support their families, many of whom do have children. I offer and support

working conditions that are conducive to families: flexible work hours, job sharing, telecommuting,

extended parental leave, etc. I have the time and resources to support political and philanthropic efforts

that support kids, and I do. My latest effort is to bring a resource to disadvantaged high school

sophomores, juniors and seniors that will help them identify the best college majors, schools and

careers for them based on their interests and experiences. I am a senior fellow at the honors residential

college at a major university. My company provides paid internships for pre-college age kids who are

thinking about a career in software development. You get the picture.

Sometimes people ask me what will happen to me when I get old with no children to take care of me.

It’s a fair question. Sometimes I look at my nieces and nephews, when they’re being good, and wonder

what my life would have been like if I had had children. And then I think about the people I know who

have children that they don’t speak to, or don’t have time for them or only begrudgingly engage out of

duty. If I play my cards right, I hope to have people in my life at that time were there because they want

to be there. Anything can happen; so far, so good.

To The Women Who Choose Not To Have Kids- Abby Rosmarin

 

Source: http://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosmarin/2013/12/to-the-women-who-choose-not-to-have-kids/

Abby Rosmarin

To the women who choose not to have kids, I have one thing to say: thank you.

You probably don’t hear it enough. In fact, you probably don’t hear it at all. What you do hear is an array of pro-childbearing responses, such as, “You’ll change your mind someday,” or, “Doesn’t your mother want grandkids?” or, “You’ll never find a husband if you never want to have kids.”

Like Thought Catalog on Facebook.

All things considered, “thank you” is probably on the opposite end of what you hear.
But seriously: thank you. Thank you for recognizing that childrearing isn’t for you and being true to who you are. It doesn’t mean you hate kids. It just means that raising one is not part of your path in life.
Thank you for not succumbing to the societal pressures. I’ve known far too many parents who had kids because that’s what was expected of them. Working in childcare, you see more of this type than you wish to see. The resentment is almost palpable. They love their children — at least, they have no choice but to love their children — but every single movement seems to scream, “I wasn’t meant for this.” I’ve known too many people who grew up with at least one parent who harbored that resentment, who let that resentment dictate how they parented. I’ve seen how that influenced the way these former children are now as adults, or even as parents themselves.
Thank you for not trying to compromise who you are in an effort to keep a partner around. Thank you for being honest and open and refusing to apologize for who you are. Everyone has different values. Everyone wants something different in life. It takes a lot of guts and confidence to say, “This is what I want in life. It’s not the orthodox way, but it’s my way.”
Thank you for not trying to silence that feeling in your gut as a means to validate your life. There are too many people in this world who cannot figure out their path — or have stumbled while walking down said path — and decided that maybe having a child could provide that meaning and definition instead. You understand that down this path lies vicarious living and hurt emotions and you recognize that there are so many other ways to find love and meaning and joy in your life.
Raising children is a difficult, onerous, frustrating, and disappointing gig. It’s tough enough for those who want it. It is a rewarding and loving gig as well, but it’s not something one should go into while focusing only on reward and love and societal acceptance. In this day and age, with a booming population in almost every country, it makes no sense to pressure every person to have a baby. But we’re sticklers to tradition, ritualistic to a fault.
So thank you. It’s not easy to stand firm with your belief. Honestly, truly, and genuinely: thank you. 

Childfree in India..

Posted in Childfree by urbanindianwoman

(PHOTO-ILLUSTRATION BY RANDAL FORD FOR TIME)
Every now and then, magazines like Time throw in a cover story that aims to capture fringe trends that are fast becoming mainstream.
This week’s story on Americans and childfree-ness is one such. Childfree forums and concerns are not new to the internet, but the TIME doing a cover story makes it a ‘legitimate’ trend,so to speak.
The cover shows a totally model-like couple with smug expressions, who claim, as the byline says provocatively, ‘ When having it all means not having children.’
Husband grinned when he saw the picture on the cover. ” Is that couple supposed to represent us?” he asked sarcastically.” Fuck, they look as fake as those pictures of saccharine families around the dinner table”.
He is right of course. We are childfree by choice and so are virtually 90% of our friends. But none of us can claim to ‘have it all’ just because we don’t have kids. Same goes for people who choose to have kids.
All of us,kids or not, have our usual troubles. Jobs, family, stress, money, health, meaning of life- all the urban worries that plague the modern urban person.
However, the very fact that most of our socialization happens with similar couples/ singles who don’t have kids says volumes about how profoundly life-changing having/ not having kids is in our society. Virtually all our best friends are childfree .I am talking about people in the creative/content side of media, which is perhaps the most socially/ economically flexible set in India. Even here, having kids or not having kids profoundly affects your life plans or orientation.
Even in our bubble like slice of life, I have seen how people drift apart depending on the kids in their lives. This is largely because of the different priorities people have depending on kids. Finances, attitudes, daily lifestyle, aspirations become quite different as you become/ not become a parent.
In India, in certain set at least, people are available to care for young kids and the burden is less on young mothers compared to those in the west. So it is not always the sheer ‘need’ of childcare that changes the pattern. But the priorities, which for parents, are usually kids, that moulds the life so to speak.
Parents naturally socialize with other parents, prioritize kids education when it comes to their decision to stay in a particular locality or job, go to holidays that their kids can enjoy, spend the time and energy on moulding the young child, plan financially keeping kids in mind.
The childfree tend to, in my experience, lead more flexible and footloosish lives, compared to parents.
No choice exists in vacuum. In Indian society having kids is defacto and voluntarily not having kids is so exceptional ( except in small bubbles like media, where childfree are almost equal in number), that there is very little mainstream discussion about it ( except stray articles like this or this ) . Unlike in American media, where every lifestyle choice has a name and an acronym ( GINK means ‘green inclination no kids’, for example!! By god one has to give it to the Americans!!), in India the term child-free is virtually unknown. Our entire social structure and notion of family is built around having kids. Most of our non-Indian friends/ colleagues are impressed by the sheer childfriendliness of our society. Majority of the people’s lives are structured around their kids. So not having kids becomes a matter of choice while having kids is more or less given.
But it has been my observation that the number of childfree are on the rise and the raised eye brows have been replaced by understanding smiles in the recent years. My small town extended family, for example, completely accepts our decision not to have kids. Our parents would have been happier with grandkids but they see that we don’t want kids and have accepted our choice more or less happily.
Because there are so few Indian people who decide not to have kids , and so many who decide to have some, there is no threat or concern for population or social change.
Most childfree come from a certain social / economic set that excuses their behaviour as ‘oh they are quite different/ western types’ by majority of the people.
Our society for centuries has gleefully championed values of duty and familial responsibility over all others, and since globalization, we have gone through major social changes that have challenged this tradition. I have observed that many people, with or without kids, find childfree life quite an extention of nuclear family and an interesting new trend, if not a social staple. It struck me with force during youth market researches I was involved in, where even small town youngsters ( especially girls) look at childfree ness as some sort of glamourous, ‘modern’ choice.
Most of my western european friends are amazed at the lack of friction between childfree and mainstream society in India. I think that because of awareness and exposure, ‘different’ lifestyles are still seen as ‘harmless curiosities’ and childfree-ness is one of them.
Of course, I am generalizing grossly, but I do have at least a decade of observation, market researches on youth and insider status as a childfree woman from small town to back some of these statements:)
In India, not having kids is sort of accepted as a fringe social trend and it will be decades before it becomes mainstream enough for magazines to write cover stories about it.
Coming back to TIME, Americans, much like the other advanced industrial nations, are having less number of kids and that one woman in five is in fact, choosing not to have kids at all. Virtually all advanced nations give attractive incentives to women to produce kids since birth rate is steadily plummeting. Economists worry that a skewed birth-death ratio would affect the future aging population. Conservatives bemoan the death of traditional values while some environmentalists declare that population growth is disastrous for earth.
Internet is strife with childfree forums/ blogs that range from genuine to rabid. Grave issues like ‘whether children should be allowed on planes’ to ‘ whether there should be child-free restaurants’ are discussed with passion. Most people on the forums say that they are not anti-kids, but are rather against:
1. Assumption that everyone has to have kids to lead fulfilling life and blames those who don’t as selfish.
2. hyper parents who force their ill-mannered offspring on society without care
3. Baby obsessed culture that pressurizes women to equate motherhood with womanhood

I do surf these sites once in a while and do agree with the spirit on the above points, but sometimes get amazed at the vitriol with which these points are sometimes made. Like any other ‘alternative’ choice, the child-free internetizens are quite vocal and aggressive. That is also understandable if the whole world is assuming that you are somewhat incomplete/ childish if you choose not to have kids. But I really think there are more well-behaved kids than unruly ones, that more parents try to control kids than not, that there are always going to be stupid judgemental people in life that are best ignored and that if one has made a choice that goes against the flow, one has to be confident about it. Calling mothers ‘moos’ and ‘breeding cows’ is as unfair as being called selfish and unfeminine for not wanting to be a mother. But then, there are all kinds of corners on net and I like to believe that they all add to the social dialogue ( not to mention provide hilarious entertainment.)
I think, at least for a few privileged people, it boils down to simple “Do you want kids in your life?” question. Some people do not want to have kids because they do not feel the need of having kids. Some people find kids limit their lives’ choices. Some people do not find enough time or energy or money to dedicate to kids.
We for example, have never felt that need or desire. We realised quite early on when we both were very young , that we are not ‘that’ fond of kids to change our lifestyle, nature and dreams, which would have been compromised with a kid. It is lucky that we both found each other because if one partner desires a child and one doesn’t, it becomes quite a bad compromise no matter what you decide to do. We both firmly believe that a kid is a big responsibility and kids should be given full care and love. We both get along quite well with kids, especially husband who works for one of the biggest kids’ brands in the world. But a child has never been even on a radar as far as our future is concerned. We do like the possibility that we are free to do anything without having to think about another human being. And these range from stupid irresponsible things to serious life-altering decisions.
I am not advocating any ‘lifestyle’ so to speak, but I do think that if people are not sure whether they want to be parents or not: it is better that they don’t become parents. One has no right to bring the child into life with unsure mind, seriously. And all that BS about ‘you will love your own child’, ‘you will adjust’, ‘so many people have kids and yours will also raise itself’ actually works against the very children it purports to advocate.
Of course, having kids is a rich and fulfilling experience. I am sure people who have kids get a glimpse into growing mind and life that is magical. I also think it gives people roots when they have kids and it is a beautiful feeling. If one wants that feeling and is ready to choose that , great. If one doesn’t, then we all should respect that choice.
There would always be judgements and marginalization, but hell, that comes with many choices, so be it.