To The Women Who Choose Not To Have Kids- Abby Rosmarin

 

Source: http://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosmarin/2013/12/to-the-women-who-choose-not-to-have-kids/

Abby Rosmarin

To the women who choose not to have kids, I have one thing to say: thank you.

You probably don’t hear it enough. In fact, you probably don’t hear it at all. What you do hear is an array of pro-childbearing responses, such as, “You’ll change your mind someday,” or, “Doesn’t your mother want grandkids?” or, “You’ll never find a husband if you never want to have kids.”

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All things considered, “thank you” is probably on the opposite end of what you hear.
But seriously: thank you. Thank you for recognizing that childrearing isn’t for you and being true to who you are. It doesn’t mean you hate kids. It just means that raising one is not part of your path in life.
Thank you for not succumbing to the societal pressures. I’ve known far too many parents who had kids because that’s what was expected of them. Working in childcare, you see more of this type than you wish to see. The resentment is almost palpable. They love their children — at least, they have no choice but to love their children — but every single movement seems to scream, “I wasn’t meant for this.” I’ve known too many people who grew up with at least one parent who harbored that resentment, who let that resentment dictate how they parented. I’ve seen how that influenced the way these former children are now as adults, or even as parents themselves.
Thank you for not trying to compromise who you are in an effort to keep a partner around. Thank you for being honest and open and refusing to apologize for who you are. Everyone has different values. Everyone wants something different in life. It takes a lot of guts and confidence to say, “This is what I want in life. It’s not the orthodox way, but it’s my way.”
Thank you for not trying to silence that feeling in your gut as a means to validate your life. There are too many people in this world who cannot figure out their path — or have stumbled while walking down said path — and decided that maybe having a child could provide that meaning and definition instead. You understand that down this path lies vicarious living and hurt emotions and you recognize that there are so many other ways to find love and meaning and joy in your life.
Raising children is a difficult, onerous, frustrating, and disappointing gig. It’s tough enough for those who want it. It is a rewarding and loving gig as well, but it’s not something one should go into while focusing only on reward and love and societal acceptance. In this day and age, with a booming population in almost every country, it makes no sense to pressure every person to have a baby. But we’re sticklers to tradition, ritualistic to a fault.
So thank you. It’s not easy to stand firm with your belief. Honestly, truly, and genuinely: thank you. 

When you get asked the same question again and again and again…..

As a childfree person, you know the question that gets asked of you again and again. When you get the same question ad nauseam, it makes you think real hard about the decision you have taken after thinking real hard. My answers, and perhaps my thought process, have evolved over time and I’m sure they’ll keep evolving until people stop asking me.

The following conversations are all real (except where indicated):

Question: So why don’t you want children? (this a couple of months into marriage; I am 29)

Answer 1:  Umm… I don’t feel like it.  

Response: Don’t worry. You’ll feel like it. Everyone does. Just remember, your clock is ticking!

Question: You don’t want to take any responsibility in life? (At this point I was taking a break from work and generally chilling; Age: 34)

Answer2:  Well the truth is I have decided to take the responsibility of reducing the world’s population.

Question: But seriously, I still don’t get it. Why no kids?

Answer3: Well since you asked, let me ask you, ‘Why did you decide to have children?’

Response: An uncomfortable silence with an embarrassing smile; occasionally, ‘because everyone does, because we’re meant to’ or ‘because I don’t feel complete without children.’

Question:  I ‘m sure you don’t fit into this category but you know most other people these days are not having children because they want to lead an extravagant life. Very selfish and self-absorbed, don’t you think? (This is from someone at a women’s empowerment conference who wore a permanent ‘holier than thou’ look.)

Answer4:  Well, we have limited resources these days including water, so don’t you think it’s selfish to have children?  And anyway, isn’t it good that such ’self-absorbed people’ don’t have children?  Imagine what kind of parents they would make. But don’t you think we should be breaking the mould of what being a woman really means?  So, what about you? Why don’t you adopt instead of having children?

Question:  Don’t you like children?

Answer5: I don’t mind playing with children as long as I can return them to their owners, oops parents.

Question: Ok. Why don’t you have children?

Answer6: Isn’t it time we flip the question and start asking, ‘Why are you having children?’  The resources and infrastructure in most cities in India can’t handle the current population.  So shouldn’t people be taxed for having children at this point? Shouldn’t we be questioning the need for more?  How many people think before having children? We have progressed to the question of ‘when kids’ but not evolved to ‘why kids’. When will we get there?

Question: Isn’t it selfish not to have children?

Answer7:  Give me one unselfish reason (other than stupidity) why people have kids. Or indeed, why people do (or don’t do) anything in life.

Question: No children? How long have you been married? (A persistent aunt who asks me this every time we talk over the phone. I never know what to say... I’m 37 and she still hasn’t lost hope.  It’s time to create a hopeless situation.)

Answer7:  ‘Yes Aunty. You are so right. I’m “trying” for the last 9 years including a year before marriage. We try everyday – morning and evening. Sometimes afternoon also. All positions Aunty. But nothing.  Sad no? But I’m not giving up. Actually, I have to keep the phone down – it’s our time to “try”. So bbye! 

I haven’t had the courage to give this answer yet – maybe some vodka might help me with my delivery! No pun intended.

I would love to hear your responses to this question. A handy repertoire of some wickedly funny retorts would be nice to dish out at the appropriate time.  So, what have you got?

Why/not Kids?

How many couples actually sit down and debate (rationally) on - why kids?

I’ve found no compelling reason or explanation from most (current/impending) parents on why they have kids…granted – you could be lucky and the little chap might turn to be handy – could have gotten that elusive gene! What are the odds?

A long way back and perhaps with the Mormons and the Amish –there’s the valid need to have a steady supply of labor to till the lands, build furniture etc
 

But modern society?

Why have them? 

I’ve listed out broad categories for reasons of parenthood (or impending parenthood)

1.      Viewing Marriage or courtship as a natural precursor to procreation – i.e. an expected outcome; these are the guys who find it difficult to convince people that their kids aren’t actually bastards – ahem – let me re-phrase; Marriage Date: 1 Jan 2000; New addition to the family: 25^th August 2000…do the math!

2.      POF or (Proof of Fertility); very common in developing countries where you have modernists leaning towards curbing population growth while parents and in-laws start despairing if there’s no ‘good news’ forthcoming. Forget the fact that – earlier – not being able to have kids got the woman blamed plenty; even if the husband had a sperm count 100. Something similar to (1) except here – the impetus is more socio-environmental that assumed. 

3.      Narcissism – the need to look at your replica and think – “I gave life – I’m god!!! Whoopee”! Look at Tennis playing Williams sisters – their father probably proudly thinks the same – “They look JUST like me!”

4.      Someone to hold your bed-pan when you’re pushing 103; I mean – don’t you need someone when you get old? Er – there ARE cheaper ways you know??

5.      Mistake

a.       ‘He knew, She didn’t’ or vice versa (One of them still fits in one of the above categories); or both – those additional tequila rounds did them in…

b.      ‘Uh – how did it happen?’ – the kind who make reading Agony Aunt/Uncle columns worth a read – “my girlfriend kissed my cheek – will she get pregnant?” or the type who ought to be neutered before being let out in public

6.      Short term solution to current problem

a.       Bored of marriage – Old School – completely bored with partner – need to strengthen the bond – what better glue than the threat of child support in addition to alimony?

b.      Partner has awful breath – easier way than getting away with “Not tonight Dear” for plus-minus 4 months 

7.      Taking the bible a little too seriously – “Go forth and multiply” was not to be taken literally; the first time people took it literally God sent a flood and Noah had to build an ark; we don’t want a repeat of that – most acts of nature are actually meant to ‘balance’ mankind’s follies …

8.      Genuine interest in having kids – possibly a rare group – the others who claim to fall in this category are guided subconsciously by other factors – like the above points

They are high maintenance – in today’s economic scenario –the financial implications are enormous. Plus, you could dedicate your entire life to actually nurturing Ted Bunty’s or Hitler’s reincarnation – give you heartburn when they act no different from your pet dog and get your neighbor (or her daughter) pregnant (while unmarried or married to someone else) or basically start doing what I’m doing – wondering why people have kids!

Nothing’s certain in this world – I think the Japanese & the Chinese have it right – they have the government giving incentives for Kids– it’s a vicious circle – the government of course on its part sees a huge threat to the exchequer and is just trying to establish a steady pool of future tax-payers...

The world’s becoming a horrible place to be in – chances of our being able to colonize space and make Mars habitable seems unlikely (assuming the Americans suddenly realize they’re wasting precious tax-payers’money sending toy-rovers). Global warming, crime rates, poverty, inflation, irrational bosses – all reasons to use save your potential kids from the trouble!

And what choice do the kids have in this matter? Poor sods –we should all wait for a time when sperm and the egg have a mutual discussion prior to fusing, does my half of the zygote agree to take on the troubles of being raised by the two adults who just did what they did? That’s nano-revolution for you!

 PS The "working title" for this blog was "Super-Expensive Home Nurses"