Being CFC- A Man's Perspective - Abhishek Purohit

I never gave any thought to the matter of kids till my mid-twenties. As is usually the norm in India, it was understood somewhere at the back of my mind that they would come along at some point. Because they had to, and that was what you were supposed to do. Like you were supposed to go to school, to college, to work. Producing children is made out to be one of the principal reasons for our own existence.

 

Then I happened to go through a turbulent phase, triggered by the breakup of a long relationship, which threw up lots of actual existential questions for me. Questions that should have ideally come up much earlier surfaced now. What was my calling? What was the purpose of life? What gave me happiness? It was a period when I grew immensely as an individual.

 

I had not rebelled against it till then, but I had also never felt a pressing desire to have kids, even though most of my friends were marrying and becoming parents. As I discovered myself more and more, I realised this was also a question I needed to ask myself. Did I really want children?

 

From whatever angle I approached the issue, and kept revisiting over a couple of years, the answer was the same. Would I feel incomplete if I did not become a father? No. Did I feel something missing from my life? No. Would having a child or two hinder my independence, the thing I probably value the most? Yes.

 

I had seen my friends plan their entire schedules, actually their entire lives, around their children. The moment their children were born, they stopped living for themselves, assuming they had been doing that till then. They gave up the hope of doing what they had never tried, but had always wanted to. A different career. A long sabbatical. Travelling around the world. Living in a different city.

 

In nearly everything, the central determinant was the child, and that, for me, was the biggest issue. To give up control over several life-altering decisions for something I did not even want badly? That settled it for me.

 

I was prepared for the fallout. My mother warns me of the consequences of a childless (and helpless) old age. A friend even called me ‘anti-existence’. ‘What will you do with your savings?’ another asked. Some are convinced I have suffered some horrible trauma to have reached such an abnormal decision. Will I succumb to family and societal pressure? Not a chance.

 

There is no girl who will not want to become a mother, say many. Will I not find a partner because I do not want children? Who knows?

 

 

Being Childfree in Fertile India

Source: http://childfreelatha.wordpress.com/2013/09/19/all-women-beco/comment-page-1/#comment-3

Oscar Wilde has been quoted to have said “All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.” This quote itself is by a fictional character in a comedy written by Oscar Wilde, who was concerned that a particular young lady’s future character may not be a good one if she became like her mother. But the quote has become popular and taken on its own meaning. It is mostly taken to imply that if men became more like their mothers – caring and loving – the world would be a better place. I am not quite sure if the popular implication is also that women should become less like their mothers and toughen up a bit.
If I had a daughter, I too would probably want her to be tough and strong than how most girls are raised and if I had a son, I would want him to be more sensitive than how most boys are raised. Having said that, how I would raise my son or daughter is a moot point because I am not exactly afraid of becoming like my mother, but unwilling to become a mother at all.
By the time I was fifteen, I knew I did not want to bear children. India is already over-populated! I saw no real benefit to add one or two children of my own when we couldn’t feed millions of hungry children in our country. I thought I should adopt one or two children when I grew up. No one took me seriously then.
Now I am in early 40s, married and childless. I haven’t ever regretted not becoming a mother! I have recently learnt a new word ‘childfree’ to describe people who are voluntarily and happily childless! The word ‘free’ comes from ‘freedom’ and also to indicate there is nothing ‘less’ in our lives just because we have no children.
I have not met many people who are childfree by choice. In India, the ‘default’ way of life is highly valued. You grow up, study, get employed, get married, have kids, help kids settle, arrange their weddings, take care of grand-children. That cycle of life is very rarely broken voluntarily. I have met a few people who chose to remain single, but to date haven’t met a single couple who said they chose not to have children. Not even in big cities in India.
This makes me wonder what is it about life that fascinates so many people enough to produce more new lives? Is it mere biological urge? Is it ‘everyone does that’? Our country is full of problems. Often people feel so hopeless that they have even lost hope on democracy and wish for a dictator to take over India! Yet, they eagerly bring more children into this system! And poorer a couple is and less educated a woman is, more the number of their children!
I also wonder, in a highly-populated society like ours which continues to value reproduction a lot, how are men and women choosing to be child-free in India are coping. Not having children has given me a lot of freedom to do many other things. Now, I have begun a ‘research’ project to identify, get connected with and to interview childfree couples. I would like to give a voice to the minority we represent! 

Why/not Kids?

How many couples actually sit down and debate (rationally) on - why kids?

I’ve found no compelling reason or explanation from most (current/impending) parents on why they have kids…granted – you could be lucky and the little chap might turn to be handy – could have gotten that elusive gene! What are the odds?

A long way back and perhaps with the Mormons and the Amish –there’s the valid need to have a steady supply of labor to till the lands, build furniture etc
 

But modern society?

Why have them? 

I’ve listed out broad categories for reasons of parenthood (or impending parenthood)

1.      Viewing Marriage or courtship as a natural precursor to procreation – i.e. an expected outcome; these are the guys who find it difficult to convince people that their kids aren’t actually bastards – ahem – let me re-phrase; Marriage Date: 1 Jan 2000; New addition to the family: 25^th August 2000…do the math!

2.      POF or (Proof of Fertility); very common in developing countries where you have modernists leaning towards curbing population growth while parents and in-laws start despairing if there’s no ‘good news’ forthcoming. Forget the fact that – earlier – not being able to have kids got the woman blamed plenty; even if the husband had a sperm count 100. Something similar to (1) except here – the impetus is more socio-environmental that assumed. 

3.      Narcissism – the need to look at your replica and think – “I gave life – I’m god!!! Whoopee”! Look at Tennis playing Williams sisters – their father probably proudly thinks the same – “They look JUST like me!”

4.      Someone to hold your bed-pan when you’re pushing 103; I mean – don’t you need someone when you get old? Er – there ARE cheaper ways you know??

5.      Mistake

a.       ‘He knew, She didn’t’ or vice versa (One of them still fits in one of the above categories); or both – those additional tequila rounds did them in…

b.      ‘Uh – how did it happen?’ – the kind who make reading Agony Aunt/Uncle columns worth a read – “my girlfriend kissed my cheek – will she get pregnant?” or the type who ought to be neutered before being let out in public

6.      Short term solution to current problem

a.       Bored of marriage – Old School – completely bored with partner – need to strengthen the bond – what better glue than the threat of child support in addition to alimony?

b.      Partner has awful breath – easier way than getting away with “Not tonight Dear” for plus-minus 4 months 

7.      Taking the bible a little too seriously – “Go forth and multiply” was not to be taken literally; the first time people took it literally God sent a flood and Noah had to build an ark; we don’t want a repeat of that – most acts of nature are actually meant to ‘balance’ mankind’s follies …

8.      Genuine interest in having kids – possibly a rare group – the others who claim to fall in this category are guided subconsciously by other factors – like the above points

They are high maintenance – in today’s economic scenario –the financial implications are enormous. Plus, you could dedicate your entire life to actually nurturing Ted Bunty’s or Hitler’s reincarnation – give you heartburn when they act no different from your pet dog and get your neighbor (or her daughter) pregnant (while unmarried or married to someone else) or basically start doing what I’m doing – wondering why people have kids!

Nothing’s certain in this world – I think the Japanese & the Chinese have it right – they have the government giving incentives for Kids– it’s a vicious circle – the government of course on its part sees a huge threat to the exchequer and is just trying to establish a steady pool of future tax-payers...

The world’s becoming a horrible place to be in – chances of our being able to colonize space and make Mars habitable seems unlikely (assuming the Americans suddenly realize they’re wasting precious tax-payers’money sending toy-rovers). Global warming, crime rates, poverty, inflation, irrational bosses – all reasons to use save your potential kids from the trouble!

And what choice do the kids have in this matter? Poor sods –we should all wait for a time when sperm and the egg have a mutual discussion prior to fusing, does my half of the zygote agree to take on the troubles of being raised by the two adults who just did what they did? That’s nano-revolution for you!

 PS The "working title" for this blog was "Super-Expensive Home Nurses"