Being Childfree in Fertile India

Source: http://childfreelatha.wordpress.com/2013/09/19/all-women-beco/comment-page-1/#comment-3

Oscar Wilde has been quoted to have said “All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.” This quote itself is by a fictional character in a comedy written by Oscar Wilde, who was concerned that a particular young lady’s future character may not be a good one if she became like her mother. But the quote has become popular and taken on its own meaning. It is mostly taken to imply that if men became more like their mothers – caring and loving – the world would be a better place. I am not quite sure if the popular implication is also that women should become less like their mothers and toughen up a bit.
If I had a daughter, I too would probably want her to be tough and strong than how most girls are raised and if I had a son, I would want him to be more sensitive than how most boys are raised. Having said that, how I would raise my son or daughter is a moot point because I am not exactly afraid of becoming like my mother, but unwilling to become a mother at all.
By the time I was fifteen, I knew I did not want to bear children. India is already over-populated! I saw no real benefit to add one or two children of my own when we couldn’t feed millions of hungry children in our country. I thought I should adopt one or two children when I grew up. No one took me seriously then.
Now I am in early 40s, married and childless. I haven’t ever regretted not becoming a mother! I have recently learnt a new word ‘childfree’ to describe people who are voluntarily and happily childless! The word ‘free’ comes from ‘freedom’ and also to indicate there is nothing ‘less’ in our lives just because we have no children.
I have not met many people who are childfree by choice. In India, the ‘default’ way of life is highly valued. You grow up, study, get employed, get married, have kids, help kids settle, arrange their weddings, take care of grand-children. That cycle of life is very rarely broken voluntarily. I have met a few people who chose to remain single, but to date haven’t met a single couple who said they chose not to have children. Not even in big cities in India.
This makes me wonder what is it about life that fascinates so many people enough to produce more new lives? Is it mere biological urge? Is it ‘everyone does that’? Our country is full of problems. Often people feel so hopeless that they have even lost hope on democracy and wish for a dictator to take over India! Yet, they eagerly bring more children into this system! And poorer a couple is and less educated a woman is, more the number of their children!
I also wonder, in a highly-populated society like ours which continues to value reproduction a lot, how are men and women choosing to be child-free in India are coping. Not having children has given me a lot of freedom to do many other things. Now, I have begun a ‘research’ project to identify, get connected with and to interview childfree couples. I would like to give a voice to the minority we represent! 

An email:The whole world is telling me that my time has come to finally do what all women are supposed to : have babies!!!

(Source: indianhomemaker.worldpress.com)

Posted on April 18, 2013

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Sharing an email.

Dear IHM,

I have recently resigned and am planning to take a break from  my hectic and quite high profile job to do things I always wanted. Read, write, travel in trains across India, volunteer, play with my dog, stare at ceiling and ponder about meaning of life!! All those things which I dreamt of and couldn’t really do to satisfaction. I made decent money. My partner had taken a break 8 years ago and now is earning well enough for both of us to have a decent life till I decide to spring back, after which he might take a break again.

The point I am writing to you is, I noticed that the moment I announced my break, everybody I know started speculating about BABY!!!! Was I pregnant, was I planning to be pregnant, why wasn’t I planning to be pregnant now that my career was not a barrier? Did I think my dog was a lifelong substitute for my own baby? Was I not worried that the clock was ticking away and we would be left with a lonely life without kids? My god. I was  aware of these assumptions but they never felt so intrusive till they were made about me. It was as if taking a break to do these things was not good enough use of my time:):)

Anyway, so I started thinking about how in our culture women are always assumed to want to become mothers. We have never wanted children and feel very satisfied in our choices. That’s not to say that we never feel dissatisfied or worried or unhappy. Like everyone else, with kids or not: we also feel the modern urban blues. But never ever have we thought/ felt that children would be the answer for us. We always felt that a child is a tremendous responsibility and unless we really were ready to take it on, we would rather not do something just because our culture dictates that we are incomplete without one.

But increasingly as I approach the mid thirties, I have noticed that people associate baby with everything   I was quite down and out last year : Bang. my mother started telling me how not having baby makes women sad!! We got a dog. Bang : My friend told me how a dog could never be a substitute for a baby. (I didn’t have a heart of telling her, a new mother, that I infinitely preferred dogs over babies. I am crazy about dogs since I was a kid and could finally manage to get one: it never entered my head that I was somehow compensating for a baaabbbbyy). I am taking a break. Bang. The whole world is telling me that my time has come to finally do what all women are supposed to : have babies!!!

And this is quite liberal set of people I am talking about. I just shrug and forget since this is quite an irrelevant topic in our lives.  but this has led me to be interested in this whole phenomenon of child free.  I surf child free forums a lot and its great fun to see how people across cultures feel that having children is seen as a default in society. But they are primarily based out of US/ Europe.

I would be interested to know apna Indian thoughts on why do you think people always assume that women have to have babies to be complete? Or if they don’t there is something medically wrong with them? Or that they are too childish/ selfish/ irresponsible? (I mean people have children because they want to. So how not having children because one wants to be termed selfish)?  Do you think that women are somehow judged if they don’t want to be mothers? Unique Indian take by Unique Indian feminist blogger IHM please  

Cheers
Happily child free

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Why New Gen India is Going Childfree…(The Free Press Journal)

DIGANTA BISWAS says that increasingly couples are not having children. Here he explains why.

Samrat and Debasree Roy are “happily” married for almost five years and both well established in their respective employed life, but are going childless, better to say childfree, thanks to multiple challenges thrown out by the fast urban life in the national capital region.

“It is very important to be ready mentally, physically as well as financially to have a child. But in today’s fast life, we don’t have enough time to pamper ourselves, and so, it is better not to think  about others,” says Samrat, holding a responsible position with an IT company. “The lifestyle is definitely a major problem that is discouraging us to extend the family,” supports his better-half.

Now, take another working couple, engineer Amitava and Deblina Nandi. They were blessed (or some say, burdened) with their first child, Adhisree, just two months back, more than five years after tying the knot, and are ruling out a second child. “Lack of support system in today’s nuclear family is a major problem not only during pregnancy period but also after having the child. A non-working mother does not help her child much. Giving proper care to the new born especially in the initial months becomes challenging for working mothers like me,” says Deblina, holding managerial post with an IT firm. “A second child is out of question.”

Welcome to the world of DINK (double income no kid) and DISK (double income single kid), a new trend increasingly making its presence felt in Indian metro cities. If some couples are not ready to shoulder the “burden” of child, others are not really thinking beyond one child. But it was not the situation a couple of decades back.

Changes in Indian family system have been under sociological scrutiny for some time, both in terms of its size as well as relationship among members, but as far as this trend is concerned, no defining study or statistics are available. Be it growing financial independence of women or lack of family back-up, greater employment opportunities resulting into higher ambition or fast and expensive lifestyle, it is undeniable that family extension is taking a backseat today faster than ever thought.

The increasing trend, specialists say, has even started “unknowingly” contributing towards population stabilisation in the urban areas in particular and India in general, though in an “undesired” way.

“The scenario is definitely playing a role towards population control. The young and working couples, leading fast and competitive life in metro cities, are unknowingly helping the cause. But it is not a desirable situation where people are curbing their paternal or maternal instinct. In long term, this can hamper the supply of workforce as is the case in Japan or many European countries. Career ambition is a big factor today as both spouses, especially the women, try to curve out good professional career and as a result they keep delaying child birth,” says Delhi-based psychologist and special educator Ripan Sippy.

“However, loneliness is not good as human has inherent social instinct. True, many couples are trying to remain free of responsibilities come with a child, but it has been noticed that when these couples meet their counterparts those are into parenthood, the former fall prey to depression. So they sometimes try to help other children through orphanages or NGOs to fulfil their maternal or paternal instinct,” adds the psychologist with 17 years of experience.

“Spread of educational and employment opportunities are quite effective factors. For women, employment opportunities are growing and many women are holding responsible positions in corporate sector, in some cases they even outnumber their men colleagues. It gives financial independence and the working couples, especially women, opt for a burden-free life and delay the first pregnancy. This is in positive direction as far as population stabilisation is concerned,” says Dr Syed Zainuddin, Associate Professor in Department of Sociology and Social Work, Aligarh Muslim University (AMU).

 “The corporate sector jobs demanding limitless working hours from the professionals. It is true for both husband and wife, and so there happens communication gap between the spouses. Availability of various technological birth control measures is encouraging to delay pregnancy. We can see a lot of live-in relationship also,” according to Dr Zainuddin, a life-member of Sociological Society.

Apart from a few scattered initiatives to track down spending habits of DINKs and DISKs, there has been a dearth of organised research in order to ascertain, or at least anticipate, the impacts of this growing trend in Indian urban society in the days to come.

 “We are constraint of making any value judgment. There must be some research and thesis in university level to understand the situation better. More research is required. Only research will help us formulate a suitable policy in future,” thinks Dr Zainuddin, also associated with Jamia Milia Islamia in New Delhi.

A few years ago, one such study by the Associated Chamber of Commerce & Industry of India (ASSOCHAM) on “Changing Consumption Patterns of Delhi” reportedly found DINKs to be high spenders who eat out more than the DIWK (double income with kid) couples and unmarried, that is understandably because they don’t have to shell out money to ensure quality education or healthcare for children.

And here comes another factor, sky-rocketing living expense in metro cities. “Everyone is trying to provide best of the facilities available to their child. Money play important role in ensuring proper upbringing of a child. But if the wife takes break during pregnancy, family income comes down while the expense never does. It creates financial insecurity among the couples,” says a Delhi-based journalist, who has a working spouse and is without child nearly four years after marriage.

However, it is observed, many DINKs fail to withstand Indian society’s judgmental attitude and turn into DISKs with time.

To (Ba)be or Not to (Ba)be by Sucheta Firodia

After Polka arrived, there has been a lot more vocal interest in our family life. 'So what about a baby? ' 'Now that you take care of Polka, you are equipped to take care of your own' 'Your biological clock is ticking!' 'whats wrong with you - raising a dog instead of your own kid??' I used to be ready with a canned but honest reply 'I don't feel the need to have a baby.' But this is usually followed by 'Hmm.. Is there a medical problem?'

One of the most common comment I get is 'You will be a wonderful mom!' Now, I agree that makes me feel good. I am affectionate. loving and full of infinite wisdom :) I wish I could retort, 'I also have a good body maybe I should become a stripper?'  (Note to self: Join a gym)

Its hard for most people to fathom that some us don't want/need kids. Most of my family and friends mean well and do believe that a baby is necessary to feel 'complete'. How can one say no to an experience of a life time, unconditional love, the support for old age, mid life crisis, maternal instinct, peer pressure or atleast the need to propagate one's genes?

For me, its hard to fathom that people would want to have kids for these reasons. I believe if you are having kids for any reason other than maybe maternal/paternal instincts you should not be having one. Those genes need to go nowhere. Get a life or better still get a dog!

With a 6 billion and bulging population, more than half the world below the poverty line, life expectancy rates moving upwards, the doom and gloom about climate change - do we really need another small, cute, tiny little baby to occupy space on this planet?

Evidently we do. Because there's a baby born every second or so.. I don't understand this urge to have your own when they are so many out there who need a home. Nature will balance it for sure but it won't be pretty. Like dinosaurs, one day we might be extinct too. The universe is expanding and soon might go up in flames. Why not make it better for everyone today? right now?

Be it pets or kids - why not adopt?

 http://polkaandme.blogspot.in/2010/08/to-babe-or-not-to-babe.html.

Prologue

“I am childfree by choice” she says hesitatingly- almost apologizing for her ‘shameful’ confession.

“By choice? Really?” balks one of the women in the group. “Believe me, you have no idea what you’re missing. You are thirty five already. Just take the plunge else when you want one, you won’t be able to have one!!”

She has been warned yet again.

The other two women exchange glances and arrive at a decision- she is stupid. Too obsessed with her own happiness, too interested in making money, too selfish to be socialized with.

We have often heard that motherhood makes a woman complete. But what if the maternal gene gave us the slip? What if we feel not an iota of craving to have a little chortling, chuckling angel to call our own? Should we be pulled up for this perceivable folly in our characters, be politely ignored in parties and gatherings by the hostile gang of other more ‘complete’ women?

The truth is that men don’t have it so hard. “We don’t want kids EVER” they announce happily to all and sundry without a thought of how the audience rushes to judge their wives (and not them).

Parents refuse to believe that we do not want a child. They obsess over the fact that we are rushing past the fertile years without a worry. They are also pretty sure that there is a physical defect that we are ashamed to admit.

“Come with us to the fertility clinic” they say carefully “these days everything is possible. IV treatment, surrogates-and if nothing works, there is always adoption!”

They weep, they council, they do a whole lot of super expensive pujas to help us tide over the ‘Rahu Ketu’ effect and gift them a grandchild pronto! To them we are not ‘settled’ till the family is ‘complete’.

We feel hassled when around them because any discussion on any god damned topic, is bound to lead to the one we dread most.

So we have our phases. Sometimes we avoid them and feel terribly guilty at having to do so in their sunset years; sometimes we insinuate that they are interfering and feel guilty about saying that. On other occasions we just work ourselves into a fake rage and leave. Yeah, we feel guilty even then.

The bottom line is that it is not very easy being older and child free. Unless you are built with a thicker hide and care two hoots about what people think-or then have a family that does not question this very unusual decision- be prepared to get affected by the uncharitable judgment of people around you.

But India is a huge country and surely there are tons of others like us grappling with the same challenges? Well it is time to mobilize our forces. If anything, the country should be proud of the fact that we are helping contain the upward spiral of population.

You  are invited to share on this forum, your reasons and experiences, to ask questions that bother you (possible medical problems for women, lack of care during old age, loneliness et al) provide answers if you have them, discuss relevant topics like the social stigma, fear of old age and even the possible loneliness.

The aim of the forum will be to help answer most queries, and provide you with insight on dealing with the common fears and challenges-and build a community that supports itself. Once we have a larger number of visitors, we will attempt to take it to a higher level of integration.

So dear likeminded people, come and speak your minds, narrate your stories or simply vent- because whatever be its eventual course, this is a fate of our own choosing- and we owe it to ourselves to be certain, to be sure and to be convinced enough to not feel compelled to justify our decision.