Footloose and fancy-free By Gauri Dange

(Source: The Hindu 26 Aug 2015) http://www.thehindu.com/features/magazine/gouri-dange-on-being-childless-by-choice/article7565746.ece

Young, urban Indians are increasingly choosing not to have children. The writer talks about why this does not raise eyebrows anymore.

In the early 90s, a whole bunch of labels cropped up — from yuppies (for young, upwardly mobile professionals) and dinks (double income, no kids) to dinkers (dinks with early retirement) and dewks (dually employed with kids). But the people without children attracted a lot of judgment — they were accused of being Peter Pans, selfish, anti-family, career-obsessed, and so on.Those who had children did the judging, the ones without children did the justifying. On the other side, books like Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids provocatively talk about “taking the parent-centric, kid-fixated, baby-bump-patrolling culture to task”. Ironically, both thought of the other as selfish, shallow and self-absorbed.

The whole issue, particularly in the last decade or so, has emerged as a much more nuanced and layered social phenomenon rather than just another us-versus-them debate. Having children is increasingly being seen and accepted as a personal choice and choosing to not have children is not necessarily seen as odd or deviant behaviour.

Does this indicate that perhaps becoming a father or mother is not necessarily hardwired into our DNA and our psyche, as we believe? Or is it that changing social and family structures have impacted that hardwiring? Perhaps the dissolution of the joint family, the village, and the stable neighbourhood has forced some urban women to see how the complete and total responsibility for child-bearing and rearing now devolves only on them, in ways that they simply feel unequal to taking on. “I could not see myself doing it single-handedly, nor can I relate to a life where having a child means having either an entourage of maids or have your life taken over by a helpful mother or mother-in-law,” says Mrunal, a 37-year-old lawyer.

But the reasons for choosing not to have children, it emerges, are many. Rarely is the ‘I hate children’ blanket statement, ascribed to the childless-by-choice, a factor. In fact, many say that they love and respect children too much to simply bash on and have one without thinking. Anil, an academic in his 40s, says, “Quite early on, when I was 15 or so, I began to register that lots of adults around me seemed terribly unhappy with their spouses and their children. I heard so many complaints about loss of personal freedom and choices… I couldn’t understand why people put themselves through such hell if they felt this way.” Anil did marry, but he and his partner chose not to have children.

As did Pervin, a writer-editor in her early 30s. “I started really thinking about parenthood in my early 20s. The first step was the realisation that it was a choice, an option, not a default role or milestone. After that, the decision to stay childless seemed very natural and clear to me.”

***

Could this clarity of not wanting a child become a deal breaker if the spouse or partner wants to have children? For some people, it is something that they felt they must tell a partner upfront, as soon as the dating got serious; and it did, in fact, become a deal breaker for some. In the case of Azhar and Garima, 15 years into their marriage, Azhar began to get a nagging feeling that not having a baby was not quite the right decision and that he had been pushed into it by his partner’s vehemence on the subject. They decided to part ways, and Azhar went on to re-marry and have a child, late in life, to the criticism of some of his close family and friends. He, however, seriously asks: “If a woman wants to have children and her husband refuses, the whole world feels bad for her and talks about never denying a woman motherhood, etc. Is this not applicable to a man as well, who may feel a great urge for fatherhood at some time?”

For Pervin and her husband, the issue was discussed on and off in their dating years. “Having grown up with the standard assumption about the education-marriage-children progression, my husband hadn’t considered that parenthood was something that one might consciously stay away from. The more we talked about it though, the more he leaned towards a future without children.” Pervin clarifies, “My decision to not have children has nothing to do with my equation with children —it is about my equation with myself. In fact, instead of saying ‘I’ve decided not to have children’, it would be more appropriate to say ‘I’ve decided not to become a parent’.” Pervin works closely with children as a textbook writer and conducts workshops with them.

For software engineer Pallavi, the issue was not discussed with any seriousness when she was dating or in the early years of her marriage. She says, however, “When we watch the exhausting and demanding aspects of parenting our friends are going through, we say we just can’t put ourselves through that. And that’s how it continues till date (over eight years of marriage and over 10 since we got into a relationship). Whether I had a career or not, I would think the same way. I understand that people who are parents do still feel it is all worth it, and kudos to them. It’s just that I can’t do it.”

***

Young women who choose not to have children are often asked sharply, “So you think you want to just have fun forever. When will you grow up, then?” But this takes away from the fact that surely, having children is a different kind of fun too. Becoming a parent cannot be seen as a ‘grim reality’ to which we must all turn. But more than that, as Garima adds, “When you don’t have children, does that mean you are not a person who is dependable, and who commits to things? In fact, I do not have the luxury of the ‘children have exams’ or ‘need to take my child for coaching’ and similar excuses that I see parents putting up when they are required for other things. I have been there for ageing parents, an alcoholic brother’s family, and been present and willingly helpful in many friends’ crises. Does this sound like I have signed up for a life of fun and frolic by not having children?”

Madhavi, 61, is an architect and town-planner. She describes herself as being in the vanguard of the childless-by-choice movement. “In those days, it drew such sharp reactions. I remember being very defensive. If someone asked me about children, I would snap at them ‘We chose not to breed, and we are very happy, thank you, you can go ahead and have as many as you want.’ After some years, it didn't matter to me to make my position clear. Whether people thought you needed sympathy as you had not conceived, or people assumed you were just too career-minded and had ‘deprived’ your spouse of progeny, I learnt not to enter into protracted debate or clarifications.”

The surprising eye-opener for many such women is how their own mothers and other older women in the family respond in private about their decision to not have kids: “If I had had such an option, I don’t think I would have had any children either.” This is said, not with bitterness, but as a considered sentiment quietly confided.

One pro-parenting argument used to be that children would offer support in old age. As families become more nuclear and scatter far and wide, there is a growing realisation that this cannot be a deciding factor. There are enough examples all around of benign neglect by grown children of ageing parents, of active harassment, or of the sheer inability to be there for ageing parents in any active and physically present way that argues against thinking of children as a post-retirement plan. At any rate, ageing urban Indians who have children are also now planning how to live (physically, financially, emotionally) in their later years with systems that are built without their children being compulsorily involved.

At the end, though, do people who choose to remain childless have doubts or regrets sometimes? How do they deal with it? Anil perhaps explains this best when he says: “Sure, I have had regrets. But if I had children, you can be sure I would regret why I didn’t try a life without children. I regret the fact I can’t taste every kind of life there is to taste. But there is just this one life, and one must follow one’s instincts.”

The writer is a family counsellor and author of the upcoming book Always a Parent.

Being CFC- A Man's Perspective - Abhishek Purohit

I never gave any thought to the matter of kids till my mid-twenties. As is usually the norm in India, it was understood somewhere at the back of my mind that they would come along at some point. Because they had to, and that was what you were supposed to do. Like you were supposed to go to school, to college, to work. Producing children is made out to be one of the principal reasons for our own existence.

 

Then I happened to go through a turbulent phase, triggered by the breakup of a long relationship, which threw up lots of actual existential questions for me. Questions that should have ideally come up much earlier surfaced now. What was my calling? What was the purpose of life? What gave me happiness? It was a period when I grew immensely as an individual.

 

I had not rebelled against it till then, but I had also never felt a pressing desire to have kids, even though most of my friends were marrying and becoming parents. As I discovered myself more and more, I realised this was also a question I needed to ask myself. Did I really want children?

 

From whatever angle I approached the issue, and kept revisiting over a couple of years, the answer was the same. Would I feel incomplete if I did not become a father? No. Did I feel something missing from my life? No. Would having a child or two hinder my independence, the thing I probably value the most? Yes.

 

I had seen my friends plan their entire schedules, actually their entire lives, around their children. The moment their children were born, they stopped living for themselves, assuming they had been doing that till then. They gave up the hope of doing what they had never tried, but had always wanted to. A different career. A long sabbatical. Travelling around the world. Living in a different city.

 

In nearly everything, the central determinant was the child, and that, for me, was the biggest issue. To give up control over several life-altering decisions for something I did not even want badly? That settled it for me.

 

I was prepared for the fallout. My mother warns me of the consequences of a childless (and helpless) old age. A friend even called me ‘anti-existence’. ‘What will you do with your savings?’ another asked. Some are convinced I have suffered some horrible trauma to have reached such an abnormal decision. Will I succumb to family and societal pressure? Not a chance.

 

There is no girl who will not want to become a mother, say many. Will I not find a partner because I do not want children? Who knows?

 

 

Though I am all for childfree life, at times it scares me ....

 The below comment was posted here and I would like to know your experience in dealing with the same. This will be valuable to the commentator and others in similar situation. How should the couple communicate their decision?

Comment:
Though I am all for childfree life, at times it scares me....I am really afraid of being an outcast from the society and not have anyone to share my joys and sorrows with. I just don't want to hurt my parents and in-laws, but i don't fancy having babies either....Confused but inclined to being childfree. I wish I find the strength.

This is a common dilemma that most of us face while communicating ours decisions to near and dear ones. And what to say about the fragile makeup of Indian families! We get hurt and offended very easily even for trivial issues.And this is huge! The first rule of Indian marriages is: If you are married you are supposed to produce children (and that too in a certain time frame)!

My response as posted on the same link:


I hear you. Going against societal norms is not easy. You and your spouse need to be 110% sure about a childfree life. Once you both are absolutely convinced that this lifestyle will bring you happiness - then it will be easier to talk to people who matter to you. They might still not understand but at the end of the day your family wants to see you happy. 

And, it is more important that you bring a child into this world for the right reasons.

Polka dog enjoys living on the fringe of society and is used to saying 'our life, our decisions' for a lot of situations. Being in a different country away from family helped. Basically polka dog had it quite easy and cannot add much value:( 

I will put this up as a separate blog post and let the readers give their stories/suggestions/perspectives. 

P.S Polka dog's  family and friends have not abandoned her despite her 'hurting' them.  She is able to spend a lot more time and energy with family as she doesn't need to plan her schedule around kids. In a way it has brought all of us closer.

Dear readers, look forward to your view points!

To The Women Who Choose Not To Have Kids- Abby Rosmarin

 

Source: http://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosmarin/2013/12/to-the-women-who-choose-not-to-have-kids/

Abby Rosmarin

To the women who choose not to have kids, I have one thing to say: thank you.

You probably don’t hear it enough. In fact, you probably don’t hear it at all. What you do hear is an array of pro-childbearing responses, such as, “You’ll change your mind someday,” or, “Doesn’t your mother want grandkids?” or, “You’ll never find a husband if you never want to have kids.”

Like Thought Catalog on Facebook.

All things considered, “thank you” is probably on the opposite end of what you hear.
But seriously: thank you. Thank you for recognizing that childrearing isn’t for you and being true to who you are. It doesn’t mean you hate kids. It just means that raising one is not part of your path in life.
Thank you for not succumbing to the societal pressures. I’ve known far too many parents who had kids because that’s what was expected of them. Working in childcare, you see more of this type than you wish to see. The resentment is almost palpable. They love their children — at least, they have no choice but to love their children — but every single movement seems to scream, “I wasn’t meant for this.” I’ve known too many people who grew up with at least one parent who harbored that resentment, who let that resentment dictate how they parented. I’ve seen how that influenced the way these former children are now as adults, or even as parents themselves.
Thank you for not trying to compromise who you are in an effort to keep a partner around. Thank you for being honest and open and refusing to apologize for who you are. Everyone has different values. Everyone wants something different in life. It takes a lot of guts and confidence to say, “This is what I want in life. It’s not the orthodox way, but it’s my way.”
Thank you for not trying to silence that feeling in your gut as a means to validate your life. There are too many people in this world who cannot figure out their path — or have stumbled while walking down said path — and decided that maybe having a child could provide that meaning and definition instead. You understand that down this path lies vicarious living and hurt emotions and you recognize that there are so many other ways to find love and meaning and joy in your life.
Raising children is a difficult, onerous, frustrating, and disappointing gig. It’s tough enough for those who want it. It is a rewarding and loving gig as well, but it’s not something one should go into while focusing only on reward and love and societal acceptance. In this day and age, with a booming population in almost every country, it makes no sense to pressure every person to have a baby. But we’re sticklers to tradition, ritualistic to a fault.
So thank you. It’s not easy to stand firm with your belief. Honestly, truly, and genuinely: thank you. 

Oh baby, no baby!- HEMALI CHHAPIA & MALATHY IYER TIMES NEWS NETWORK, TOI Crest

Oh baby, no baby!

• 

(Oh baby, no baby! )

Gone are the days of Hum Do Hamare Do. Today, couples in the country are childless by choice...
At a get-together, all the kids huddle around Monisha and play a game which other adults find difficult to enjoy. Each child takes turns, runs around the house taking a particular route and somewhere along the journey, a shape emerges. As a child, Monisha played this game for hours. At 38, she prefers to spend her time with the children than sit around with the other women and discuss parties.

By evening all the seven children want Monisha to stay back, but she and her husband Anish Palshekar have to get home. They are both chatty during the drive. Ace of Spades, followed by some Judas Priest and Scorpions plays in the background. Meanwhile, the rest of the cousins still finishing dessert wonder why the Palshekars don't want their own children.
That decision was taken about 15 years ago, a few days before their marriage. "Neither have we regretted it, nor have we looked back," says Anish, an IAS officer with the Indian Railways. For this couple, not having a child was a basic and informed choice. "Why does everyone need to have a child of their own? There are so many children in India and people can adopt them. Also, we thought of the freedom we would have and decided not to have a child," he adds. Weekends and vacations are never quiet for the Palshekars. "We are consumed by the lineup of things that are playing in Mumbai, which we want to catch," says Monisha. "I have to say that the freedom we have is something we really cherish."
Not surprisingly, the Palshekars always stay at a show till the curtains drop or the credits roll, while most of their friends rush home to be with their children. But it would be wrong to think of them as selfish. For, Anish has given years of his life teaching street children and Monisha, even today, works with women and children in India's hinterland.
These two are part of India's rising population of DINKs (Double Income No Kids). Time was when having a kid - or three - was the norm. And a childless couple, a rarity. If at all there was a pair that didn't have a kid, friends and family were sure there was, "some problem". Not anymore. In the new India, people are childless by choice. And the stigma attached to the concept is slowly wearing off.
Forty-five year-old Dipshita Singh, a scientist, points to children running around naked in the slums and says, "When you don't have your own children, you feel every child is yours. It's not something I want to say so I sound good. But my husband and I have been able to reach out to a lot of children." For the Singhs, opting to not have children was a decision taken jointly after they realised that there were too many conflicts one had to tackle in life. "We didn't want someone to come into this world to live that tough life," she offers by way of explanation. But the Singhs rarely do things just by themselves. "Our concept of a family is not represented by a Maruti car: the husband and wife in the front and two children in the back. For us, family is about my husband and my parents and his and our brothers and sisters, and their children too."

Source: http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2010-09-23/man-woman/28214410_1_monisha-childless-couple-ias-officer

Childfree in India..

Posted in Childfree by urbanindianwoman

(PHOTO-ILLUSTRATION BY RANDAL FORD FOR TIME)
Every now and then, magazines like Time throw in a cover story that aims to capture fringe trends that are fast becoming mainstream.
This week’s story on Americans and childfree-ness is one such. Childfree forums and concerns are not new to the internet, but the TIME doing a cover story makes it a ‘legitimate’ trend,so to speak.
The cover shows a totally model-like couple with smug expressions, who claim, as the byline says provocatively, ‘ When having it all means not having children.’
Husband grinned when he saw the picture on the cover. ” Is that couple supposed to represent us?” he asked sarcastically.” Fuck, they look as fake as those pictures of saccharine families around the dinner table”.
He is right of course. We are childfree by choice and so are virtually 90% of our friends. But none of us can claim to ‘have it all’ just because we don’t have kids. Same goes for people who choose to have kids.
All of us,kids or not, have our usual troubles. Jobs, family, stress, money, health, meaning of life- all the urban worries that plague the modern urban person.
However, the very fact that most of our socialization happens with similar couples/ singles who don’t have kids says volumes about how profoundly life-changing having/ not having kids is in our society. Virtually all our best friends are childfree .I am talking about people in the creative/content side of media, which is perhaps the most socially/ economically flexible set in India. Even here, having kids or not having kids profoundly affects your life plans or orientation.
Even in our bubble like slice of life, I have seen how people drift apart depending on the kids in their lives. This is largely because of the different priorities people have depending on kids. Finances, attitudes, daily lifestyle, aspirations become quite different as you become/ not become a parent.
In India, in certain set at least, people are available to care for young kids and the burden is less on young mothers compared to those in the west. So it is not always the sheer ‘need’ of childcare that changes the pattern. But the priorities, which for parents, are usually kids, that moulds the life so to speak.
Parents naturally socialize with other parents, prioritize kids education when it comes to their decision to stay in a particular locality or job, go to holidays that their kids can enjoy, spend the time and energy on moulding the young child, plan financially keeping kids in mind.
The childfree tend to, in my experience, lead more flexible and footloosish lives, compared to parents.
No choice exists in vacuum. In Indian society having kids is defacto and voluntarily not having kids is so exceptional ( except in small bubbles like media, where childfree are almost equal in number), that there is very little mainstream discussion about it ( except stray articles like this or this ) . Unlike in American media, where every lifestyle choice has a name and an acronym ( GINK means ‘green inclination no kids’, for example!! By god one has to give it to the Americans!!), in India the term child-free is virtually unknown. Our entire social structure and notion of family is built around having kids. Most of our non-Indian friends/ colleagues are impressed by the sheer childfriendliness of our society. Majority of the people’s lives are structured around their kids. So not having kids becomes a matter of choice while having kids is more or less given.
But it has been my observation that the number of childfree are on the rise and the raised eye brows have been replaced by understanding smiles in the recent years. My small town extended family, for example, completely accepts our decision not to have kids. Our parents would have been happier with grandkids but they see that we don’t want kids and have accepted our choice more or less happily.
Because there are so few Indian people who decide not to have kids , and so many who decide to have some, there is no threat or concern for population or social change.
Most childfree come from a certain social / economic set that excuses their behaviour as ‘oh they are quite different/ western types’ by majority of the people.
Our society for centuries has gleefully championed values of duty and familial responsibility over all others, and since globalization, we have gone through major social changes that have challenged this tradition. I have observed that many people, with or without kids, find childfree life quite an extention of nuclear family and an interesting new trend, if not a social staple. It struck me with force during youth market researches I was involved in, where even small town youngsters ( especially girls) look at childfree ness as some sort of glamourous, ‘modern’ choice.
Most of my western european friends are amazed at the lack of friction between childfree and mainstream society in India. I think that because of awareness and exposure, ‘different’ lifestyles are still seen as ‘harmless curiosities’ and childfree-ness is one of them.
Of course, I am generalizing grossly, but I do have at least a decade of observation, market researches on youth and insider status as a childfree woman from small town to back some of these statements:)
In India, not having kids is sort of accepted as a fringe social trend and it will be decades before it becomes mainstream enough for magazines to write cover stories about it.
Coming back to TIME, Americans, much like the other advanced industrial nations, are having less number of kids and that one woman in five is in fact, choosing not to have kids at all. Virtually all advanced nations give attractive incentives to women to produce kids since birth rate is steadily plummeting. Economists worry that a skewed birth-death ratio would affect the future aging population. Conservatives bemoan the death of traditional values while some environmentalists declare that population growth is disastrous for earth.
Internet is strife with childfree forums/ blogs that range from genuine to rabid. Grave issues like ‘whether children should be allowed on planes’ to ‘ whether there should be child-free restaurants’ are discussed with passion. Most people on the forums say that they are not anti-kids, but are rather against:
1. Assumption that everyone has to have kids to lead fulfilling life and blames those who don’t as selfish.
2. hyper parents who force their ill-mannered offspring on society without care
3. Baby obsessed culture that pressurizes women to equate motherhood with womanhood

I do surf these sites once in a while and do agree with the spirit on the above points, but sometimes get amazed at the vitriol with which these points are sometimes made. Like any other ‘alternative’ choice, the child-free internetizens are quite vocal and aggressive. That is also understandable if the whole world is assuming that you are somewhat incomplete/ childish if you choose not to have kids. But I really think there are more well-behaved kids than unruly ones, that more parents try to control kids than not, that there are always going to be stupid judgemental people in life that are best ignored and that if one has made a choice that goes against the flow, one has to be confident about it. Calling mothers ‘moos’ and ‘breeding cows’ is as unfair as being called selfish and unfeminine for not wanting to be a mother. But then, there are all kinds of corners on net and I like to believe that they all add to the social dialogue ( not to mention provide hilarious entertainment.)
I think, at least for a few privileged people, it boils down to simple “Do you want kids in your life?” question. Some people do not want to have kids because they do not feel the need of having kids. Some people find kids limit their lives’ choices. Some people do not find enough time or energy or money to dedicate to kids.
We for example, have never felt that need or desire. We realised quite early on when we both were very young , that we are not ‘that’ fond of kids to change our lifestyle, nature and dreams, which would have been compromised with a kid. It is lucky that we both found each other because if one partner desires a child and one doesn’t, it becomes quite a bad compromise no matter what you decide to do. We both firmly believe that a kid is a big responsibility and kids should be given full care and love. We both get along quite well with kids, especially husband who works for one of the biggest kids’ brands in the world. But a child has never been even on a radar as far as our future is concerned. We do like the possibility that we are free to do anything without having to think about another human being. And these range from stupid irresponsible things to serious life-altering decisions.
I am not advocating any ‘lifestyle’ so to speak, but I do think that if people are not sure whether they want to be parents or not: it is better that they don’t become parents. One has no right to bring the child into life with unsure mind, seriously. And all that BS about ‘you will love your own child’, ‘you will adjust’, ‘so many people have kids and yours will also raise itself’ actually works against the very children it purports to advocate.
Of course, having kids is a rich and fulfilling experience. I am sure people who have kids get a glimpse into growing mind and life that is magical. I also think it gives people roots when they have kids and it is a beautiful feeling. If one wants that feeling and is ready to choose that , great. If one doesn’t, then we all should respect that choice.
There would always be judgements and marginalization, but hell, that comes with many choices, so be it.

Being Childfree in Fertile India

Source: http://childfreelatha.wordpress.com/2013/09/19/all-women-beco/comment-page-1/#comment-3

Oscar Wilde has been quoted to have said “All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.” This quote itself is by a fictional character in a comedy written by Oscar Wilde, who was concerned that a particular young lady’s future character may not be a good one if she became like her mother. But the quote has become popular and taken on its own meaning. It is mostly taken to imply that if men became more like their mothers – caring and loving – the world would be a better place. I am not quite sure if the popular implication is also that women should become less like their mothers and toughen up a bit.
If I had a daughter, I too would probably want her to be tough and strong than how most girls are raised and if I had a son, I would want him to be more sensitive than how most boys are raised. Having said that, how I would raise my son or daughter is a moot point because I am not exactly afraid of becoming like my mother, but unwilling to become a mother at all.
By the time I was fifteen, I knew I did not want to bear children. India is already over-populated! I saw no real benefit to add one or two children of my own when we couldn’t feed millions of hungry children in our country. I thought I should adopt one or two children when I grew up. No one took me seriously then.
Now I am in early 40s, married and childless. I haven’t ever regretted not becoming a mother! I have recently learnt a new word ‘childfree’ to describe people who are voluntarily and happily childless! The word ‘free’ comes from ‘freedom’ and also to indicate there is nothing ‘less’ in our lives just because we have no children.
I have not met many people who are childfree by choice. In India, the ‘default’ way of life is highly valued. You grow up, study, get employed, get married, have kids, help kids settle, arrange their weddings, take care of grand-children. That cycle of life is very rarely broken voluntarily. I have met a few people who chose to remain single, but to date haven’t met a single couple who said they chose not to have children. Not even in big cities in India.
This makes me wonder what is it about life that fascinates so many people enough to produce more new lives? Is it mere biological urge? Is it ‘everyone does that’? Our country is full of problems. Often people feel so hopeless that they have even lost hope on democracy and wish for a dictator to take over India! Yet, they eagerly bring more children into this system! And poorer a couple is and less educated a woman is, more the number of their children!
I also wonder, in a highly-populated society like ours which continues to value reproduction a lot, how are men and women choosing to be child-free in India are coping. Not having children has given me a lot of freedom to do many other things. Now, I have begun a ‘research’ project to identify, get connected with and to interview childfree couples. I would like to give a voice to the minority we represent!