Tuesday 6 November 2012

BEING FREE

I remember the relief and joy when I heard the term “Childfree” for the first time, I felt that it conveyed my attitude better than the self-deprecating ‘child-less’. Would you ever call an intelligent, beautiful, smart, fun-loving, and not-to-mention humble, happy-go-lucky woman who is completely at peace with herself and the world as “anything”-less? Other than, probably, stress-less or worry-less! In my eyes without a child I am only ‘more’ of everything that I personally value.  Till I hadn’t heard of CF, it irked me that I might get labeled as something I am clearly not: Child-less. Not anymore though, now there are three kinds of people in the world:
1.       childfree-by-choice,
2.       childfree-by-chance , and
3.       parents;
All three have the equal right to live happily with their heads held high. The point is: no one is childless anymore; and having a child is a just a preference, it is not an obligation. (Even the people who were called “childless” in the old times aren’t to be pitied, I have personally seen many such ‘erstwhile’ childless couples live an enriching and fulfilled lives till their very end; but this is besides the point.)
Many people choose to be free of kids for different reasons, but one thing that is common with all of them is the reactions they evoke from their friends, families and even strangers. We get to hear responses ranging from dis-belief, shock, anger, denial, ridicule, hate, hurt, sorrow, pity (ewww!)  to  jealousy . It kind of makes you wonder what’s ailing your loved-ones, where did all the love and affection suddenly disappear? Sadly, often, we get defensive in the onslaught of such negativity.
In times like these it helps to remember that although the people’s perception of you might have altered, but the love of your friends and family would not really change, in fact it is the same love that is causing them to be the rain on your party. They are un-necessarily, yet genuinely, concerned that you have made a wrong choice; and they’d do anything, including ramming their fists up your comfort zones, to dissuade you from it. However earnestly you may talk about the wisdom of being child-free you have to accept the fact that many of your loved ones will never really completely understand or agree with you on this. The more they love you the more they’d trouble your peace.  I personally find here, as in the face of any adversity, we just need to keep calm and hold on to our wits. Little disagreement is in fact good for any healthy relationship; it gives us a chance to be in that relationship and also to be ourselves.  A combination of infinite patience and sense of humour is a potent cure for all evil. It can be a weapon and it can be a shield; used either way it can effectively save you from getting hurt by others and, more importantly, it keeps you from causing any dent in your social-circle “without compromising on your peace”.
The divide between the parents and CFBC will always be there, but let us remember that since CF have more time and more peace of mind from not having a brat-infested home, it would be nice to help the ward-weary parents now and then. Be their missing link to fun and peace.  The onus is on us to give the resemblance of some sanity to the world; try to clean the unholy-mess they are creating for their unsuspecting little bachchas to inherit.  Not just the blah-bys but their pah-rents should be thankful that some of us have the good sense of using our minds instead of our wombs.
  
CannyKan:There is no mystery half as alluring as a woman secretly smiling to herself.”

13 comments:

  1. hey, awesome post, Kanika!! you summed it up so well. Am pretty certain all of us echo the sentiments so perfectly articulated here!

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  2. Nice post CannyKan...
    The whole "trying to do what's right for you" spiel and belief espoused in attempts by our "well-wishers" (not limited to parents) always fascinates; i wonder if any of them spend a moment trying to understand whether they are driven a lot by selfish (that sounds harsh - "self-serving" maybe?) motives...

    Keep posting!

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  3. Interesting post CannyKan...Anu... we need to do more to make this visible- took me quite some time to locate the blog...we need to have more people joining us.

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    1. I agree we are not very visible right now. Will work on fixing that shortly.. n the meanwhile keep blogging!

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  4. Ah, finally, India is coming of age! My wife and I live in Chennai and have not met a SINGLE couple that's seriously contemplating whether or not to have a child. In fact she was overjoyed to see an Indian forum. Somehow helps her feel less isolated. Our decision to not have kids was inspired by our own experiences in life. Life can be tough-why put the unsuspecting kid through it? Can some more people join in quickly so we may have an online family/community bonding soon?

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    1. Believe me Sunny, there will be many others like yourselves, looking to connect. That's why we have started the blog! keep sharing your experiences!

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  5. I couldn't agree more CannyKan/Kanika, from the beginning, till the very last word. It sure echos my sentiments. The word "Child-free" is strong and empowering in the current contexts.
    With all sorts of onslaught (unending at that), defensive negativity becomes an unconscious choice. "People, please let me be" becomes an uncharted slogan.
    From this online blog, I wish to see groups emerging in respective cities and towns for people to meet once in a while and talk face to face, to someone who understands and shares similar views.

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    1. Thanks Khushboo,it is heartening to know that you feel the same. It is only a matter of time before others join us here. I strongly believe that the state of humanity in India (and World) is ripe for the CF to come out and proudly proclaim the wisdom of their choice.

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  6. Thanks Anu, ZyianidE, Rahul, Sunny; appreciate your comments on the post; thanks to Anu finally we have a place to voice our opinions/concerns; let us utilize it fully to create visibility for CF Indians. Yay! Childfree by choice India You Absolutely Rock!

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  7. Great to see the camaraderie here between all of us misunderstood peeps!

    A big reason people disbelieve that one could be truly happy without kids is that there are not enough alternate family models out there. We too may be unthinkingly contributing to the divide between 'friends' and 'family' as two distinct, unmixable tribes, with an inner/outer circle hierarchy. It perpetuated the 'ideal family' as one with kids. And of course societies seem to like assembly-line uniformity, not a diverse patchwork of different choices.

    Sharing an NYT piece titled 'Making Family out of Friends':
    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/27/greathomesanddestinations/friends-become-family-in-a-bushwick-loft.html?_r=1&

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  8. Something I had been thinking of for a while too...We could move towards a community that supports itself.. Older couples could 'adopt' younger couples and vice versa... Talk about family, and we'll have our own..children, grandchildren ..et al...without the responsibility of feeding, clothing and raising them ;-)

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  9. "Vasudev kutumbakam" it's a phrase in Sanskrit that implies a "Universal Family". Where all life in any and every form is a part of one family. If that could be practiced then perhaps one could see an "ideal" state. All other alternatives are just self-serving; you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours, different versions of the existing family model. There is plenty but we still hoard thinking that it would not be enough. Ironically, whatever one may have it is never enough!

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  10. Anu, CannyKan...couldn't agree more.

    The focus on children takes society's eyes off the elderly. They too need care-giving. But the whole spotlight of a conjugal set-up gets fixed on kids.

    Families conceptualsied as marriages with kids also tend to miss other diverse family systems...LGBTQI families. Living and care-giving arrangements however are far more diverse. We look around and see young girls sharing a pad, older people together, single-women families. Yet benefits and entitlements (insurance policies. for eg.) are all again skewed to the conjugal/parent-child unit.
    Glorification of child-bearing/rearing roles is subtly tied in with heterosexuality, property etc. The subtext of 'family romance'.

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