Friday 2 November 2012

Prologue


“I am childfree by choice” she says hesitatingly- almost apologizing for her ‘shameful’ confession.

“By choice? Really?” balks one of the women in the group. “Believe me, you have no idea what you’re missing. You are thirty five already. Just take the plunge else when you want one, you won’t be able to have one!!”

She has been warned yet again.

The other two women exchange glances and arrive at a decision- she is stupid. Too obsessed with her own happiness, too interested in making money, too selfish to be socialized with.

We have often heard that motherhood makes a woman complete. But what if the maternal gene gave us the slip? What if we feel not an iota of craving to have a little chortling, chuckling angel to call our own? Should we be pulled up for this perceivable folly in our characters, be politely ignored in parties and gatherings by the hostile gang of other more ‘complete’ women?

The truth is that men don’t have it so hard. “We don’t want kids EVER” they announce happily to all and sundry without a thought of how the audience rushes to judge their wives (and not them).

Parents refuse to believe that we do not want a child. They obsess over the fact that we are rushing past the fertile years without a worry. They are also pretty sure that there is a physical defect that we are ashamed to admit.

“Come with us to the fertility clinic” they say carefully “these days everything is possible. IV treatment, surrogates-and if nothing works, there is always adoption!”

They weep, they council, they do a whole lot of super expensive pujas to help us tide over the ‘Rahu Ketu’ effect and gift them a grandchild pronto! To them we are not ‘settled’ till the family is ‘complete’.

We feel hassled when around them because any discussion on any god damned topic, is bound to lead to the one we dread most.

So we have our phases. Sometimes we avoid them and feel terribly guilty at having to do so in their sunset years; sometimes we insinuate that they are interfering and feel guilty about saying that. On other occasions we just work ourselves into a fake rage and leave. Yeah, we feel guilty even then.

The bottom line is that it is not very easy being older and child free. Unless you are built with a thicker hide and care two hoots about what people think-or then have a family that does not question this very unusual decision- be prepared to get affected by the uncharitable judgment of people around you.

But India is a huge country and surely there are tons of others like us grappling with the same challenges? Well it is time to mobilize our forces. If anything, the country should be proud of the fact that we are helping contain the upward spiral of population.

You  are invited to share on this forum, your reasons and experiences, to ask questions that bother you (possible medical problems for women, lack of care during old age, loneliness et al) provide answers if you have them, discuss relevant topics like the social stigma, fear of old age and even the possible loneliness.

The aim of the forum will be to help answer most queries, and provide you with insight on dealing with the common fears and challenges-and build a community that supports itself. Once we have a larger number of visitors, we will attempt to take it to a higher level of integration.

So dear likeminded people, come and speak your minds, narrate your stories or simply vent- because whatever be its eventual course, this is a fate of our own choosing- and we owe it to ourselves to be certain, to be sure and to be convinced enough to not feel compelled to justify our decision.

21 comments:

  1. Kudos for having started this blog. Much-needed. Will help many of us say the words we hesitate to out there. Am going to share it with all the CF folks I know. And also the ambivalent ones--those who are unsure about being a mother and have left the door just a wee bit open.

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  2. About time someone put this up on a public forum! We live in a country/society that vilifies a "child-free" choice with no real rationale. Sure - having a kid is great (i guess?) - but for how many people is it a considered, well-thought-through decision? Not many...
    Here's wishing the blog all the luck!

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  3. Good to see this initiative. Hope to see this gain momentum quickly. Would like to now others of our kind in good old Bhaarat Mata! ;-)

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  4. Congratulations! Anu for voicing the opinions of the CFBC-INDIA! I am proud of you, and thankful too for giving us an Indian CF forum online. It's time to toss aside the "shameful confessions" and embrace the coming out of the closet of the far-sighted and fun loving Indians who also happen to be Child Free by Choice. What shame? I am glad that I had the wisdom to introspect if I 'wanted' to have a child in my life or not; and courage to listen to my inner voice. No contributions from this DNA to the ever-increasing human population; My carbon footprints end with me India; when I go I'll be happy to know that I don't leave a wake of mini-mes to exploit the planet any further in the name of evolution.

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  5. Child Free by Choice "India" is an interesting name for a blog in a country where being Child Free is NOT treated as a sane choice. Am glad to see it taking shape and a community being formed.

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  6. Our country is marred with shreds of hypocricy around all social phenomena. An example could be bearing a child, but a male child. The system conniving against a hapless foetus. There are so many such hypocrtical instances that inspire sheer disgust. A woman not being able to bear a child for any reason, other than choice starts a journey from pity to ridicule.
    I personally scoff at this social fabric and wish more women pick up the mantle of exercising their choice against our age old decaying social strata. Not having a child is just one of the choices a woman is entitled to.

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  7. Never has a feeling of belonging been more exhilarating! This is our platform to de-batterize our biological clocks, flaunt our freedom, pamper our pooches, worship the i-pill, glorify material vs. maternal instincts, and above all other reasons that outnumber infinity...this is Our space to celebrate Our choice!

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  8. My wife identifies with this one completely. What a pity that society forces us to justify our decisions to others and ourselves. It almost says "how dare you two roam free of responsibility and refuse to begin your own personal hell-like us?"
    Poor girl. I have it way easier. This is genuinely an eye opener.I see her point now.

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    1. Yep...women definitely have it tougher because we are expected to act "more mature" and have maternal instincts. now that you understand your wife's challenges better, you can do all that's needed to let people know that you are as much to "blame" ;-)

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  9. BTW, why is a woman considered "complete" only when she becomes a mother?? all a man has to do however is wear A Raymond's suit!!!

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    1. See the condition of mothers around: insecure mind; weak bodies; paranoia about anything related with kids; blind toting of wierd rituals in the name of tradition etc. It seems a woman isn't just "complete" on becoming a mother; she is actually "finished"! Popular use of the incorrect synonym is a genuine linguistic error.

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  10. Hello...just wondering...are there any communities/groups in India for people who are CFBC?I see a lot of them in the US and UK but cant seem to find anything here.

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  11. Hi PS, So far there seem to be no formal communities for CFBC. This blog is an attempt to Create one in India. hope to see more volume in times to come and more expressive members!

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  12. Got to know of the blog today.To our relief times are changing and it is OK to a large extent, to not have kids.But there is a bit of mixed feelingS somewhere.Till the time women have/adopt children for the pure love and joy of having them it does not make sense to bring them into our lives and make them and others miserable.....And to all those who think we are selfish let me tell you it is because we love children we decide not to have them.

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    1. Hi GSM. Many a time my husband and I discuss the same thing. We really do love children-enough to not want to create them. And what really is selfishness anyway? Wanting a replica of yourselves to love OR to 'deprive' yourself the experience of it all? The thing is, that we can call each other selfish all we want- but not wanting kids really is a CHOICE that people need the maturity to respect.

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  13. Hi,

    This is Priti here. I will be 30 in a few months. I have been married for almost 3 years. I and my husband both are not sure about having kids...and I don't want to have one when I am not sure. There are a few hurdles...my close friend keeps insisting this is a phase...my brother and his wife are unable to have kids, so my mom is forcing me to give her one grandkid atleast...I and my hubby are burdening a heavy home loan because of which we have not gone on a honeymoon. We want to clear our loans and spend the rest of our lives travelling...

    I am nervous all the time...I am just unsure...my hubby loves kids and is good with them, but I am not sure he is cut out to be a father...and I will make for a really bad mom...

    I really have no one to talk to, as most of my friends have kids or want one, this is depressing! I wish someone gave me the courage to say confidently, ' I don't want kids!'.

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  14. Hi Priti,

    Our message to you is take your time to take a decision. Only when you are convinced about it will you have to strength to care a little less about what people (however well meaning) have to say. We've all been through the mill so cheer up :-)

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  15. Hi,
    Happy to meet like-minded people. Was going through a lot of depression and guilt. This blog has made me to gain my confidence back. Thank you so much.

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    1. Glad to know that this could help in some way! you are certainly not alone..

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  16. This is one awesome blog... Great to see people in India are also coming out in open and expressing that they do not want to have kids!!!

    To all my friends/colleagues who crib all the time during office hours about how miserable (financially, socially and personally) their life has become after having a kid, I would like to tell that they are very annoying creatures because it was their decision to bring their kid to this planet. So, please stop blaming poor little folks who are at no mistake and be responsible to your actions.. grrrrr.

    I and 33 years old and my husband is 36, married to each other for last six years. I do not want to have kids because in last six years of my married life I have seen no desire in my husband to have a baby and I am kind of neutral. I know I will be fine either way. I feel it will not be fair if I do not consider my husband's wish. I know he will agree to have kids if I tell him to have one. But, I also do not feel very strongly about having/raising a kid, so, I better not have one. It is a huge responsibility to raise a kid in today's uncertain times and if both the partners are not absolutely willing to start a family, it is a bad decision to bring a life to his earth and repent later-this is pure injustice to the kid.

    I am just too happy to have a husband who loves me for what I am and he really does not care about having a kid to complete our lives. We both are happy individuals and are living a pretty comfortable and happy life together.. touch wood :)

    PS: There is a lot of family/peer pressure to have at least one kid just like any other Indian family. But, we really do not care and just reply back with a smile that we do not want to have one.. conversation over!!

    My suggestion to all the lovely ladies reading this blog out here is to just think about yourself because it's only you and your partner who will have to face the consequences of having or not having a kid, nobody else. Decision is completely yours!!

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